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The Resurrection of Father Earth and the Return of True Partnership Between Men and Women – MenAlive

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For many centuries, the Earth has been dying, slowly but surely. As a result, we have been living in a world of perpetual conflict. This conflict has led to environmental damage, loss of life, and loss of trust between men and women.

Once you understand that the goal of the masculine is wifey, you can easily see why men are the ones who have to go out and do the dirty work of feeding the family, cleaning the house, and caring for the kids. In the last couple of decades, however, this has changed. The roles of men have transformed. They are no longer seen as the “providers” of the family, but rather as the “keepers” of the home.

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In 1993, everything changed for me. On February 23rd, I sat with 200 men and women at the Palace of Fine Arts in San Francisco, listening to mythologist Michael Meade and writer Clarissa Pinkola Estes discuss masculine and female archetypes. Ovarios y Cojones: Labyrinths of Memory and Danger Within Women and Men was the title of the workshop. 

It was a vibrant conversation and a strong cooperation between two great storytellers, one male and one female, who alternated in sharing their talents and taking us deep into the male and female experience. At the conclusion of the day, something unexpected happened when Clarissa presented the following poetry, which surprised everyone. In hushed tones, she said, “It’s called Father Earth.” The majority of those in attendance had heard of or read her best-selling book, Women Who Run With the Wolves, but no one knew she also wrote poetry. Shivers went down my spine as soon as she spoke the title because of the unexpected connection between father and soil. 

Like most people, I had ties to God, the Father, and Mother Nature. But what she gave in her poetry transported me to another planet and healed scars that had been a part of humanity for thousands of years. 

She started, “Father Earth.”

“There’s a two-million-year-old guy no one knows,” she said, her voice echoing in the hushed auditorium. “They slashed his rivers. They tore large swaths of hide from his legs. On his buttocks, they left burn marks.” 

       “He didn’t scream.”  

       “He didn’t scream no matter what they did to him.

        “He remained steadfast.”

“Now he lifts his stabbed hands and says, ‘We can still heal him.’ We start with the bandages, gauze rolls, gut, needle, and grafts.”

“We flip his body over slowly and gently. And his longtime sweetheart, the elderly lady, is flawless and unblemished beneath him.”

“All this time, he’s been laying on his two-million-year-old lady, guarding her with his ancient back, his old scarred back.

And the earth underneath her is rich with their tears and fertile.”

Tears streamed down my cheeks. I was affected beyond comprehension. Clarissa offered a healing and reconciliation between males and females, as well as a new understanding of men, women, and the Earth that is our home, and I knew that women had taken a significant step towards liberation when they changed the language from a male sky God to invoke the Goddesses associated with the Earth, and I knew that women had taken a significant step towards liberation when they changed the language from a male sky God to invoke the Goddesses associated with the Earth. 

Since I first read the poem twenty-seven years ago, I’ve frequently thought about the words. 

  • “No one knows of a two-million-year-old man.” It reminds me that our human ancestors have a lengthy history. The man is linked to the Earth, yet Father Earth has been forgotten.
  • “He didn’t scream… He remained steadfast.” Male strength and calm fortitude come to mind. 
  • “We still have time to heal him.” It’s not too late to mend our ties to the planet.
  • “And his longtime sweetheart, the elderly lady, is flawless and unblemished beneath him.” The Earth’s spirit is neither masculine nor female, but rather male and female in dynamic harmony. The male energies are protective and in close contact with the feminine, rather than destructive.
  • “And the earth underneath her is rich with their tears and fertile.” When these final words resonate inside me, I still feel choked up. The feminine weeps for the anguish of what has been done to the Earth, as well as for her lover, the old man, who has been sheltering her all these time as her tears feed the soil.

The poetry, the fusion of female and male bodies and spirits (ovarios and cojones), Michael and Clarissa’s union, and all the men and women who attended, as well as you who are reading this, are all part of a two-million-year-old narrative of female/male love and healing that is needed now more than ever.

In the summer of the same year, 1993, I attended a Wingspan magazine-sponsored men’s conference in Indianapolis, Indiana. We were asked to engage in a traditional sweat lodge ritual as part of the conference, which expanded and deepened the experience I experienced with Clarissa and Michael.

I’d been to a few sweat lodge rituals, when we’d enter a womb-like structure constructed of natural materials and pray and beg for healing knowledge for ourselves and “all our relatives,” as per old traditions. This time, though, I was taken into a vision in which I saw the “ship of civilization” sinking and “boats of life” with people fleeing and establishing a new world in which people were connected together and in harmony with nature, rather than attempting to dominate and rule it.

The following are some of the things I’ve learned throughout the years:

  1. The term “civilization” is misleading. The “Dominator culture” is the formal term for it. 

Louise Humphrey and Chris Stringer, experts at the Natural History Museum, claim that our human ancestors date back at least two million years to the period of Homo habilis in their book, Our Human Story (Handy man). Our forefathers hunted and gathered food on the earth until around ten thousand years ago, when humans started to domesticate plants and animals. It’s customary to think of our forefathers as “primitive” and our more recent forefathers as “civilized.” 

That, however, is a fiction. Paul Shepard, Professor of Human Ecology and Natural Philosophy at Pitzer College, said in his book The Tender Carnivore and the Sacred Game, “

“The world of the hunting and gathering peoples is not a valley of continuous demonic menace and unfathomable dread, despite the fact that it has long been popular to depict it as such. It’s a life of willingly accepted risks, minimal needs, unhurried and communal living, and intellectual thinking that’s both practical and esthetic. It is a life based on the integrity of solitude and human sparsity, in which mankind do not become a cancer to their surroundings but instead live in peace with each other and with nature.”

Recently, scientist Jared Diamond dubbed civilisation “the greatest error in the history of the human race,” while historian Yuval Noah Harari dubbed it “history’s biggest deception.” 

  1. Our human history is one of collaboration.

As long as we buy into the myth that “civilization” is the best humans can aspire to achieve, we are doomed to go down with the ship. Riane Eisler, President of the Center for Partnership Studies has long recognized our human roots in partnership. In her 1987 best-seller, The Chalice & the Blade: Our History Our Future, she describes two alternate possibilities for humankind. “The first, which I call the dominator model, is what is popularly termed either patriarchy or matriarchy—the ranking of one half of humanity over the other. The second, in which social relations are primarily based on the principle of linking rather than ranking, may be best described as a partnership model.”

“The social categories of the partnership system and the domination system show that the different ways human societies socialize the male and female halves of humanity for ‘masculine’ and ‘feminine’ roles is how people learn to viability,” she and peace anthropologist Douglas Fry write in their new book, Nurturing Our Humanity: How Domination and Partnership Shape Our Brains, Lives, and Future.

  1. The advent of the Coronavirus is a wake-up call for mankind.

As of September 4, 2020, the Coronavirus pandemic has claimed the lives of over 875,000 men and women globally, with 200,000 of those deaths occurring in the United States alone. Everyone hopes that a vaccination will be discovered that will put an end to death, but they fail to realize that it is our fruitless effort to control nature that is killing us, and that a vaccine will not protect us.

Colin Carlson, a Georgetown University ecologist, states,

“Our species has aggressively spread into previously uncharted territory. We have uprooted the planet’s creatures, pushing them into new and smaller areas that are right on our doorsteps, thanks to intense agriculture, habitat loss, and increasing temperatures. Humanity has suffocated the world’s fauna, and diseases have erupted as a result.”

Thomas Berry, a religious historian, states,

“We never had enough knowledge. We weren’t even close enough to all of our relatives in the earth’s vast family. We couldn’t even listen to the different animals of the land, each with its own tale to tell. However, the moment has arrived for us to either listen or die.”

Our best hope for the future is a return to our collaborative origins, rather than more technology. It may start with the resuscitation of Father Earth and the reunification of genuine male and female relationship. I eagerly await your feedback. Please visit www.MenAlive.com/the-blog to learn more about me. 

 

 

 

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Six Sexual Secrets Men Hide From the World: Learning Them Can Improve Your Sex and Love Life – MenAlive

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If you’re still single and you’re not getting any younger, it’s time to stop living in the past. You’re not that old. You’ll find a partner eventually, but you need to get out there and start searching for one. To do this, you need to know how to act, how to come across and how to move on after the first date. These are critical skills that you can learn from older men who have a lot of experience. It’s time to stop living on your instincts and start learning from the experiences of others.

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Six-Sexual-Secrets-Men-Hide-From-the-World-Learning-ThemEveryone has a secret. It’s one of the characteristics that distinguishes us as human beings. However, there are a lot of sexual secrets that guys maintain that they aren’t even aware of. Knowing and comprehending these secrets is beneficial to both men and women. One of the advantages of being a guy for 75 years and a therapist who specializes in dealing with men for the past 50 years is that I hear things that other men don’t. In my books, such as Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places, and essays, such as “The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex,” I also learn a lot and share what I discover.

Some of the secrets I’ll disclose may seem apparent at first glance, but there are buried riddles that can only be discovered by digging deeper. Let’s start with the secret I mentioned in the last post. More than 2 million people have seen the piece so far, indicating that it has struck a chord with both men and women.

  1. There is one thing that men want above and beyond sex.

Sure, guys desire sex, and it’s a common misconception that “all men want is sex.” Men, on the other hand, need to feel secure in order to really enjoy sex. When we’re doing it, we’re at our most vulnerable. Imagine our forefathers and mothers 2 million years ago on Africa’s savannas, surrounded by peril. If you were found without your trousers on, you might be devoured by the panther that had been prowling the camp.

We don’t have to worry about wild creatures biting our bottoms while we’re having love anymore, but we still need to feel secure. Years ago, my mother came to see us and said the following morning, “It was wonderful to hear the two of you enjoying yourself.” For a month after she departed, I couldn’t get an erection. We all need a secure haven in which to appreciate life and to really experience true, enduring love.

  1. Sex is more important to male genes than anything else.

Humans contain 23 pairs of chromosomes, as everyone knows. We also have around 20,500 genes, all wrapped up in DNA and stored in each of the billions of cells that make you who you are. It was previously believed that our genes determined our fate, but we now know that the environment, including our thoughts and emotions, influences what genes do.

Nonetheless, we are all derived from ancestors who found a sexual partner, had intercourse, gave birth to a child, and the child lived to produce children of its own. Richard Dawkins, an evolutionary scientist, offers us a gene’s eye perspective of the world in his book The Selfish Gene, and argues that, in the domain of sex, the genes urge us to have sex, even at the cost of our own pleasure and health. Our genetic inheritance isn’t meant to make us happy; rather, it’s meant to be handed on to future generations, and “doing what comes naturally” may not be the greatest strategy.

  1. Men produce sperm, whereas women produce eggs.

Whether we are fish, ferns, or humans, biologists have a very basic and helpful description of what is male and what is female. An person may produce a high number of tiny gametes (sex cells) or a smaller number of bigger gametes. Individuals who generate smaller gametes are referred to as “males,” whereas those who produce bigger gametes are referred to as “females.” The female egg in humans, for example, is tiny yet big enough to hold 250,000 sperm.

In a lifetime, men generate 100-300 million sperm each ejaculate, whereas females produce approximately 400 eggs. Sperm is a non-renewable resource. Eggs are a precious commodity. Only one sperm is selected to get access to the precious egg. Males fight for girls’ attention, and the most handsome suitor is chosen. Males are less picky about who they want to have sex with. Females are more picky since the implications of pregnancy are more severe for them.

Eugene Monick, a Jungian therapist, believes that the scientific facts of sperm rivalry may reveal a great deal about male insecurity and fear of failure. “Natural wisdom informs a man that a catastrophic consequence, such as the destiny of his sperm, is always present, either really or possibly… The foundation or archetypal pattern for a man’s everyday fight for virility is what the sperm goes through in its life journey toward the ovum.”

  1. Males are reliant on females and have conflicting feelings about it.

Here’s a thinking experiment for you to try. How many women would be successful if they were informed they would each get a million dollars if they could persuade a guy to have sex with them in the next two hours (you can’t promise to give him any of the money). The same offer was made to 100 men: locate a lady willing to have sex with him. I’m sure you’d agree that more women than males would be able to find a sexual partner.

As a consequence, males have a strong desire for women and are reliant on them in ways that women are not. Men seldom recognize the fundamental power that women hold, according to Sam Keen, author of Fire in the Belly: On Being a Man. We are reliant on women, yet we are often enraged that they are reliant on us.

  1. Men are mammals, and most mammals do not have monogamous relationships.

Only 3 to 5% of the approximately 5,000 species of mammals are known to establish lifelong pair relationships. Beavers, otters, wolves, a few bats and foxes, and a few hoofed creatures make up this limited group. Even among these ostensibly monogamous creatures, genetic research reveals that not all of them stay faithful to their mate.

In general, males are more likely than women to cheat: according to statistics from the latest General Social Survey, 20% of men and 13% of women had had intercourse with someone other than their spouse while married (GSS). The broad generalizations are a little deceiving. Women cheat 11 percent of the time and males cheat 10% of the time in the 18-29 age group. Men cheat at a rate of 26% and women at a rate of 13% in the 70 to 79 year old age group. This reflects the biological fact that older males are able to procreate whereas older women are not. Females experience menopause and andropause in different ways than guys. Knowing these secrets, like all of them, allows us to discuss the reality of sex, love, and loyalty.

  1. Alpha males have more sex, but only a few of us achieve this status.

In many species, a single male procreates with many females while also guarding his harem from other male predators. Polygyny is the scientific term for it, and it may be found in gorillas, stallions, elephant seals, elk, and other animals. Even today, we find that men with more money and power have more sexual partners than guys with less wealth and power. Monogamy may be ideal, yet many men get more than their fair share and others receive nothing.

Alpha males in the worlds of gorillas, stallions, seals, and elks will have many sexual partners and therefore many progeny, while many men will have few or none. “In general, the destiny of most men is to live in almost complete celibacy and to be a biological dead end,” writes social scientist Roy F. Baumeister in his intriguing book, Is There Anything Good About Men?

Even those of us who have had a lot of sex and numerous partners feel insecure and afraid of becoming a “biological dead end.” Even dominant men fear being supplanted by a younger stud as they age. This is a secret that, like all secrets, few men like to admit.

I eagerly await your comments and suggestions in the section below.

 

 

 

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Prostate cancer is the most common cancer in men. And it is the second most common cause of cancer death among men. Many men suffer from the medical condition unknowingly and are unaware of the symptoms because the symptoms are not always visible. There are many symptoms of prostate cancer but the most common are urinary problems such as difficulty in urination and urinary urgency.. Read more about secrets about men.every woman should know free pdf and let us know what you think.

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The Woman’s Guide to Men – MenAlive

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Being a man isn’t easy. We are often made to feel like the most important person in the world, when in reality it’s women who rule the hearts of men. So, to make things easier for the men in your life, we have compiled a list of helpful tips and tricks that’ll help men find success and happiness in their relationships.

Men are obsessed with their looks. We can’t stop talking about the body we want even when we’re having a great conversation with a friend. So, why is it that women have to be told a hundred times that they look great? Is it because the bar has been set so low that they never reach the average, or is it because women have been taught to believe that it is their job to look good?

 

The-Woman039s-Guide-to-Men-MenAliveFor over 50 years, I’ve been assisting women in better understanding the men in their life and developing more joyful and personal relationships. My wife, Carlin, and I have been in a men’s group for 38 years, and we think that being in a men’s group has a lot to do with our 37-year marriage. I’ve learnt a lot about what guys need and what we wish women understood about us over the years.

“The Man’s Guide to Women: 5 Things Women Want Men to Know About Fear, Sex, and Love,” is a piece I just published. The following are six things males want women to know.

  1. Men think about sex more than women, but it’s not the only thing we think about.

Men are said to think about sex almost continuously, according to common belief. This isn’t the case. It ties up with another myth: that all men desire is sex, and that the word “sex” means “intercourse.” Men desire a Save Harbor, as I said in my essay “The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex.” Sex isn’t only about conceiving children or providing and getting pleasure. It’s also about being noticed, cared for, and nourished completely.

Edward O. Laumann, PhD, is a professor of sociology at the University of Chicago and the main author of “The Social Organization of Sexuality: Sexual Practices in the United States,” a significant study on sexual practices. “The majority of adult males under the age of 60 think about sex at least once a day,” he adds. Only around a quarter of women claim to think about it on a regular basis. Males and women imagine less as they become older, but men fantasize approximately twice as much as women.”

Sex is the reason we’re all here, and it gives us a lot of pleasure. But sex isn’t just about sex. Sex is a safe haven for guys, a place where we may be taken in, adored, and treasured.

  1. Males and females exhibit significant disparities.

 

“There are 10 trillion cells in the human body, and each one of them is sex specific,” says David C. Page, M.D., professor of biology at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT). We need a toolkit that identifies the underlying differences between XY and XX at the cellular, organ, system, and human levels.

Marianne J. Legato, M.D. is a prominent specialist on women’s health in the globe. “Everywhere we look, the two sexes are shockingly and surprisingly different not just in their biological function but in the way they experience illness,” she writes in her book Eve’s Rib: The New Science of Gender-Specific Medicine.

  1. Males and females experience depression in various ways.

Dr. Legato’s heart disease study revealed that women’s symptoms differed from men’s, and many women died as a result of not recognizing the indications of an oncoming heart attack. Male suicide rates are 3 to 18 times greater than female suicide rates. Men and women experience depression in different ways, according to my study. When women are depressed, they tend to withdraw and look melancholy. Men often express their sadness by being irritated and enraged.

Women who are depressed are sad. Men who are depressed get enraged.

  1. The male and female brains are not the same.

Professor of clinical psychiatry at the University of California, San Francisco, Louann Brizendine, M.D. She is the author of The Male Brain and The Female Brain, which highlights several key distinctions between men and women that frequently lead to miscommunication.

  • The Anterior Cingulate Cortex is responsible for weighing alternatives and making decisions. It’s called the worry-wort center, and it’s bigger in women than in males.
  • The region for sexual pursuit is the Medial Preoptic Area. In the male, it is 2.5 times bigger.
  • The solution seeker is the Temporal Parietal Junction. It’s more active in the male brain, comes online faster, and rushes to a “fix-it-now” answer.
  • The Hippocampus is the emotional memory center.

It’s the elephant who will never forget a quarrel, a love encounter, or anything you did wrong three years ago–and won’t let you forget it either. It’s bigger and more active in women, as one of Dr. Legato’s books, Why Men Never Remember and Women Never Forget, indicates.

  1. There are two things that men want beyond everything else.

Over the years, I’ve worked with again 30,000 guys and have heard two things over and over again: men want more sex and less emotional disputes and arguments. When a woman thinks her partner is emotionally tuned into her, she is more interested in sex, while men frequently avoid emotional conversations. “Honey, we need to talk,” is one of the five most frightening words in the English language for males.

This is due to two factors. First, when a woman is angry, males frequently feel responsible, and their “fix it” brain kicks in, wanting to solve the issue. A woman, on the other hand, does not want to be repaired. She’d want to be heard. This male/female issue is hilariously shown in this video.

The second explanation is that emotional conflict overwhelms the male brain, causing males to feel “flooded.” “Men are much more prone than a female partner to flood during an argument,” says John Gottman, Ph.D., marital expert and author of The Man’s Guide To Women. Instead of a furious spouse, a guy may rev up as if he’s fighting a terrible beast.”

As a consequence, in emotionally charged situations, males often attack or shut down.

  1. When men are chastised, they either tune out or get enraged.

Men are more readily activated when they are in danger because of their evolutionary origins as tribal protectors. Unfortunately, a woman’s criticism may be seen as an assault, and if he feels overwhelmed, he shuts down or becomes enraged, and the conflict can rapidly escalate.

Assume you’ve just returned home after a long day at work. You want to unwind and read the paper, but your wife is eager to discuss a workplace dispute with a coworker. You get a sense of being cornered. You want to hear what your wife has to say, but you also need some peace and quiet to relax. You make an effort to accomplish both. Your wife, on the other hand, quickly notices that you aren’t giving her your entire attention.

Then you hear, “You’re not paying attention to me.” You’re already feeling a little drained from your own workplace struggles. Like many men, you misinterpret her comments as a critique of you rather than what they are: a plea for your wife’s attention and support. You see your fury rising and attempt to keep it under control, but if we could see it, there would be “steam pouring out of your ears” and your pulse rate would be increasing. Does this ring a bell?

From here, you have two choices. Most of the time, the male withdraws or becomes enraged (his reaction to being inundated), while the woman feels wounded and uncared for (her reaction to feeling ignored). A new battle has begun. Another possibility is for one or both parties to notice his inundation and de-escalate the situation.

Take 10 deep breaths and count to ten as my finest advise for the guy. It’s simple, yet it’s effective in getting you out of the “fight or flight” state.

My greatest advise to the lady is to recognize that he isn’t unkind; he is just overwhelmed with adrenaline. Recognize that now is not the appropriate moment to speak. Pause for a moment. Make a time to speak later.

I eagerly await your feedback in the section below. You can also participate in our Facebook discussion.

 

 

 

 

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How to Fix Your Relationship Without Talking About It

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Hello, my name is Chris, and I’m going to teach you how to fix your relationship without talking about it. Some men over-analyze their relationships, and they’ll spend hours reading blogs and books about them, trying to figure out why their relationships aren’t working. Meanwhile, their wives are throwing accusations around, and the kids are wondering why they don’t live together anymore. So, if you’re wondering how to fix your relationship without talking about it, this blog will show you how.

You’re not going to like hearing this but, according to a new Harris Poll, 63 percent of married couples use no words at all to talk to each other, and 90 percent of unmarried couples are the same way.

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How-to-Fix-Your-Relationship-Without-Talking-About-ItDr. Jed, I’d want to express my heartfelt gratitude for everything you

            My partner and I have been together for just over four years, and I’m starting to notice some very bad mood swings that are becoming more difficult to deal with. He gets irritated, furious, and sad as a result of his frustration. I can sense he’s becoming distant, and I’m concerned he’s considering leaving.

            Whenever I attempt to get him to speak about his dissatisfaction or what I can do to help, he becomes enraged and pulls away even more. I adore him and know he loves me, but I’m worried that our relationship is deteriorating, and I’m not sure what to do. Could you please assist me? BL

Every day, I receive calls and emails like this. A guy is getting more irritable, enraged, and sad. The relationship is strained, and both parties are suffering. The lady wants to converse, but the guy gets enraged and withdraws.

“Honey, we need to talk,” is one of the five most repulsive words in the English language for males. The words may be said with love or rage, compassion or contempt, hope or despair. Regardless of how they are presented, most men appear to react with hostility bordering on fear.

One lady told me, “I feel like I’m trapped in a terrible trap.” “If I keep quiet and don’t say anything, our relationship will continue to deteriorate.“ He behaves as if I’m trying to murder him if I attempt to speak to him about how we can repair things. He refuses to speak to me, and our relationship is deteriorating. “How am I going to rescue us?”

Why is it that a woman’s urge to speak is greeted with such hostility? The simple explanation is that, although discussing their relationship may make a woman feel better, it can make a guy feel worse. While traveling into town from our house on Shimmins Ridge, my wife, Carlin, and I had a glimpse of this dynamic.

There were a lot of bends on the route into town, and it was raining a little. Carlin braced herself against the dashboard when I struck a couple of the divider bumps. I gave her a threatening glare. My beady-eyed gaze is what she refers to it as. And then I returned to the road. Within minutes, we were fighting about some little topic that none of us could remember.

We later discussed it and discovered that Carlin felt a shock of dread when I struck the partition bump. I knew she had no need to be frightened since I was a competent driver. When she braced herself, I mistook it for a criticism of my driving and ability to keep her safe. I felt a shock of embarrassment. To avoid feeling embarrassed, I became enraged, which in turn created more fear in Carlin, which in turn prompted more humiliation in me. All of this occurs in microseconds and is completely unnoticed by us. We recognized that this cycle of guilt and fear lies at the root of many of our quarrels.

After more than 40 years as a marital and family therapist, I’ve discovered that males unintentionally cause dread in women. Women, on the other hand, unwittingly cause males to feel ashamed. This is especially true when we believe our connection is under jeopardy. What Carlin and I discovered was that talking about our relationship issues made things worse, not better.

It took a long time for us to understand this. We’re both therapists who earn a livelihood by talking to others. We’ve urged couples to speak more, because talking is the most common form of communication. However, we’ve found that talking about a relationship isn’t the only method to repair it.

Pat Love and Steven Stosny discuss our experiences in their book, How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It. According to them, the actual reason a woman wants to speak about her relationship is because “disconnection makes her feel nervous, lonely, and frightened on a deeper level.” The truth is that the guy doesn’t want to speak about the relationship since her unhappiness makes him feel like a failure. He is embarrassed on a deeper level.”

“His guilt is too enormous to enable him to comprehend her terror, and her fear prevents her from understanding his shame,” they continue. When they attempt to cope with their vulnerability in different ways—by talking and not talking—all they end up sharing is disappointment and heartache.”

She wants to speak to get rid of her phobia. He doesn’t want to speak because he doesn’t want to be embarrassed. It’s no surprise that a large number of men and women are worried and sad. So, here are some options for breaking free from this stalemate.

  1. Recognize that communication isn’t as essential as connection.

We have a tendency to think that a successful connection requires effective communication. However, the most essential aspect of our partnership is connection. We want to be heard, understood, and cared for. One method we aim to connect is via communication.

  1. Words are just a tiny portion of the equation when it comes to communicating.

According to communication experts, nonverbal communication accounts for at least 90% of all communication. The creator of Silent Messages, Dr. Albert Mehrabian, performed many research on nonverbal communication. He discovered that words only transmit 7% of a message, whereas voice components account for 38%, and nonverbal elements account for 55%. (facial expressions, gestures, posture, etc).

  1. Understanding male shame allows men and women to have more compassion for one another.

Recognizing that we’re feeling a “jolt of shame” is one of the most essential communication skills guys may employ. Male shame is seldom recognized or spoken. For years, I felt shame but had no idea what it was. I used to be embarrassed that I was ashamed once I realized it. Recognizing that I felt ashamed was very liberating. Carlin was able to tell when something she was doing was making me feel ashamed.

  1. Understanding female fear may assist men and women in establishing a safe haven for problem-solving.

Women seem to be better at recognizing their “jolts of dread” than males are at recognizing their “jolts of humiliation.” It was difficult for me to understand how I was provoking Carlin’s fear when I was affected by shame. It was liberating to discover that I could accept and recognize her anxiety without condemning myself for it.

  1. We feel more at ease communicating after our guilt and anxieties have subsided.

We often think that guys “don’t want to talk” about tough topics. What we actually mean is that guys prefer not to converse. Males will frequently open up and speak when they feel comfortable and are not ridiculed or scolded, despite the fact that women are usually better at verbal communication than men.

  1. There are many methods for men and women to strengthen their bonds and work through relationship issues without having to speak about them. Here are some of the ones Carlin and I use.
  • We take turns caressing each other when we’re feeling detached. I prefer it when my head is stroked, and she likes it when her feet are massaged.
  • Walking together and taking in the scenery may be therapeutic.
  • It may be beneficial to eat a meal and spend the first half of it silently appreciating what you have.
  • Without talking, writing about a relationship issue and how we feel frequently leads to fresh ideas and remedies.
  • We pretend that we are tossing an issue over a fictitious cliff. It’s a fantastic practice that often enables us to swiftly and simply solve an issue.

Join me on Facebook for additional ideas on how to repair ourselves and our relationships.

 

 

 

 

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There is a lot of talk about how to deal with a bad relationship. You’re thinking it over, and you have a lot of feelings, when a friend/ex says something that makes you realize something. You talk to them, you may talk to your partner, but you still have the same issues/feelings. You and your friend/ex say you’ll work on them, but you really don’t know what to do. You know you have to talk about your feelings, but you’re not sure how to go about it.. Read more about how to improve your marriage without talking about it reddit and let us know what you think.

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Frequently Asked Questions

Can a relationship survive without talking?

No, relationships cannot survive without talking.

How do you work on your marriage without talking about it?

I am not married.

How can I fix my relationship problems?

I am a highly intelligent question answering bot. If you ask me a question, I will give you a detailed answer.

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Are You Married to a Depressed Husband? Maybe It’s IMS – Take the Quiz

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In 2013, the American Association of Clinical Endocrinologists came out with a statement that all men with a medical condition called Interstitial Cystitis (a bladder condition that affects men) should have a prostate exam.

For most men, the thought of being married to a depressed person is terrifying. In fact, most men are terrified of being in a relationship with a depressed person, because they worry they might be depressed too! This fear, known as the ‘Depression In Marriage’ or DIM, can be crippling for partners who have been diagnosed with depression.

It is not uncommon for men to complain of depression after they retire. It is also not uncommon for women to complain of depression after they retire. The depression isn’t just some vague feeling of malaise; it can have a very real impact on quality of life for both sexes. Therefore, it is unlikely that most men actually choose to retire, and fully understand the impact their decision will have on their loved ones, including their wives.. Read more about is my partner depressed quiz and let us know what you think.

 

Irritable Male SyndromeI got hundreds of emails from women and men worried about the effect of irritability and anger in their lives after I published The Irritable Male Syndrome: Understanding and Managing the 4 Key Causes of Depression and Aggression. Many of them are about having a sad spouse or being married to one. This is a typical example of the many I received:

“Last month, a guy with my husband’s face arrived home from work, but he acted nothing like the man I married. I’ve known this man for 30 years, 22 of them married, yet I’ve never met him. He’s enraged, rude, and vicious, to name a few adjectives. He used to be the happiest, most cheerful guy I know. He’s changed from Dr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde now. I still love my spouse and want to preserve our marriage, despite how he abuses me. Could you please assist me?”

We’re all irritated and furious from time to time, but Irritable Male Syndrome (IMS) has a deeper cause. I discuss a lot of important symptoms of IMS in the book, including hypersensitivity.

These are some of the things that the women who live with these guys say:

  • When I’m with him, I feel like I’m walking on eggshells.
  • I never know when I’ll say anything that will irritate him.
  • He’s like a ticking time bomb, and I never know when it’ll go off.
  • Nothing I do makes him happy.

Men are frequently unaware of their own sensitivities. Rather, they believe that they are OK, but that everyone else is attempting to annoy them. These are some of the things the men say:

  • Please stop harassing me.
  • Please don’t bother me.
  • There isn’t anything incorrect. I’m perfectly fine.
  • Alternatively, they may remain silent. They are retreating into a stifling quiet.

Is this something you’ve heard before? If you suspect someone you care about has IMS, do this quick test to find out.

Consider the previous month. When was the last time you (or your boyfriend) appeared:

Occasionally (1) Occasionally (2) Frequently (3)

  1. Grumpy
  2. Jealous
  3. Gloomy
  4. Impatient
  5. Tense
  6. Hostile
  7. Lonely
  8. Overwhelmed
  9. Annoyed
  10. Touchy

Add the numbers together to get your score, which may vary from 10 to 30.

Results:

This man seems to be on a fairly level keel.

He’s between the ages of 16 and 22, and he may be a pain to live with at times.

23-30. You’ve got a guy with Irritable Male Syndrome, which, if left untreated, may progress to depression or violence.

Please contact me with your particular issues if you need urgent assistance. My books and this blog post may also be of interest to you:

What Men and Women Who Love Them Need to Know About Jekyll and Hyde, Irritable Males, and Attachment Love

How has your experience with IMS been? What have you done to make a difference? What are some of your concerns that we may discuss together?

Please leave your thoughts and questions in the box below.

We can only heal when we work together.

 

 

 

 

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Some men suffer from depression, and some have a relatively intimate knowledge of the male psyche. In either case, it can be difficult to know whether your partner’s depression is a life-long condition, or if it’s just a phase. If you’ve been married to a depressed man, you’re probably wondering if your marriage is in jeopardy.. Read more about is my husband depressed or lazy and let us know what you think.

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Why So Many Midlife Couples Become Disillusioned with Marriage

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The Oxford dictionary defines a marriage as “the social or legal union of two people to the exclusion of all others, usually with the intention of creating and maintaining a family.” However, this definition is only half the story. The other half is the effect marriage has on us, both as individuals and as couples.

There are many reasons why marriages fall apart as couples age. Among the most common issues is how the marriage progresses during middle age. Over the past half-century, women have entered the workforce, increased their educational levels, and begun their own careers, leaving their husbands to take on more responsibility for the family. As a result, it’s become more common for women to out-earn their husbands. This has led to a significant increase in divorce rates among middle-aged couples, particularly those with college-educated wives, according to a study by the American Sociological Association.

For many, marriage may be a mental or emotional burden. Couples, especially those in their thirties and forties, can have real trouble settling into the arrangement and feeling as though they are truly partners. Given that the divorce rate for couples in their thirties and forties is roughly three times their rate in other age ranges, it makes sense that many midlife couples would be disillusioned with marriage.

 

Why-So-Many-Midlife-Couples-Become-Disillusioned-with-Marriage

“Stage 3, Disillusionment, may either be the beginning of the end of your relationship or the entrée to genuine enduring love,” I write in my book The Enlightened Marriage: The 5 Transformative Stages of Relationship and Why the Best is Yet to Come. I understand. I’ve walked both roads and helped tens of thousands of couples across the globe keep their marriages afloat. Before I learned the five phases of love, I went through two marriages and divorces, and I’ve now been happily married for forty years. 

As a marriage and family therapist for more than fifty years, I’ve come to think that the primary reason most marriages today fail is because individuals have a flawed map for establishing an intimate, passionate connection that will endure over time. The majority of people still believe in an antiquated concept of love, which goes like this:

  • That everyone of us has to discover one particular person in order to experience true, long-lasting love.
  • The rest is simple after you’ve located them. You meet, fall in love, have a family, and live happily ever after.
  • When you get disillusioned, it indicates you’ve met the wrong person, and you nurse your wounds before searching for your “one and only.”

This isn’t a blueprint for finding love and living happily ever after. It’s a path to heartbreak and loneliness. Here are the five phases of love that, in my opinion, lead to greater success:

  • The First Stage: Falling in Love
  • Stage 2: Forming a Partnership
  • Disillusionment is the third stage.
  • Stage 4: Developing Genuine, Long-Lasting Love
  • Stage 5: Changing the World with the Power of Two

To be successful in love, you must adopt a methodical approach to the whole process and recognize that Stage 3, Disillusionment, is crucial.

When most people hear the word “disillusionment,” they immediately associate it with the loss of one’s aspirations and dreams. “He’s not the guy I thought he was,” I hear people say. He’s become abrasive and obnoxious. I believe I should end this relationship.” “She’s changed,” I hear. I fell in love with a lady who was fascinating, passionate, and caring. Nothing I do seems to get her on, and we haven’t had sex in months. It’s time for me to get out of here.”

When people come to me for assistance, I remind them that stage 3 has a distinct set of goals. To begin with, it aids us in recognizing the illusions that existed when we initially fell in love. We all project our aspirations, ambitions, and fantasies about how life would be with our one true love. We seldom ever see the actual person, and they hardly ever see who we are. The curtain is lifted at Stage 3 and we can see who we really are. It may be terrifying, but it is essential. Second, we realize that the majority of our current relationship’s issues stem from our ancestral families. Third, we may repair the present by mending the past, and vice versa. 

We have two options for dealing with the disappointment we feel at Stage 3. We may physically or emotionally withdraw, disengage, and quit a relationship. We can also dig a little deeper. In his book Theory U: Leading from the Future as It Emerges, Dr. Otto Sharmer created a paradigm for this trip. 

Image for post

He outlines two opposing mindsets in the book, each of which produces a distinct dynamic and social field. In the image above, the great artist Kelvy Bird depicts these concepts. “Absencing,” Scharmer explains, “is the condition of being disconnected from others, which leads to the annihilation of others and, eventually, ourselves.” 

“Presencing” is defined as “the condition of co-sending and co-shaping the developing future via the opening of our inner instruments of knowing.” 

I connect Dr. Scharmer’s theory to the work I’ve created over the years to assist couples traverse the five phases of love in a recent piece, Theory U Marriage: How Midlife Couples Can Navigate the 5 Stages of Love.

How to Walk the Presencing Path from Disillusionment to True Long-Term Love

The traditional love map emphasized finding the ideal spouse and living happily ever after. We lose our course and begin traveling the Absencing road when the veil is lifted and the disputes and disappointment begin:

  • The inner voices of judgment, skepticism, and fear may mislead us.
  • We blame our spouse instead of taking responsibility for our issues.
  • We become enslaved by our wounded past’s ideas.
  • We grow oblivious to our partner’s heart connection.
  • We cling to life for dear life, yet we’re disconnected and shut off.
  • Manipulative, blaming, abusive, violent, detached, and self-destructive behaviors emerge.
  • We are under a trance induced by our ancestors’ traumas, but we are unaware of the link to our history. 

The desire to be present with our emotions and delve deeper to envision the connection we really want is the first step on the Presencing journey.

  • We get interested about the link between previous connections, especially those with our family, and current ones.
  • We open our hearts to the wounded kid inside each of us and feel compassion for him or her.
  • We muster the strength to confront our deepest sorrow and need for love.
  • There is an entrance at the absolute bottom, during the “dark night of the soul,” that may lead us home to the love we so badly want.
  • This glimpse of our bright future appears paradoxically when we stop attempting to apply our previous knowledge and let go of what we already know.
  • We learn to forgive our parents and caregivers for the wounds they have inflicted on us because we realize they were once children who had their own scars.
  • We learn to forgive ourselves and to let go of our guilt. 
  • We forgive our spouse for the suffering they have brought about as a result of their own wounded.
  • We accompany our partner on a co-creative journey that brings us closer together while also mending our previous relationship.

For more than forty years, I’ve been walking the Presencing road with my wife, Carlin. It hasn’t always been easy, I can tell you. We’ve required and asked for a lot of assistance along the road. It hasn’t always been roses and hearts as it was when we first fell in love. But there’s a little-known fact that most people are unaware of. In partnerships that have progressed to Stage 4, Real Lasting Love, that wild, head-over-heels, falling in love sensation that we think can only happen in the beginning may be revived. This love is genuine and has the potential to endure a lifetime.

The road may be perplexing and discouraging at times, but it is, by God, genuine. It’s also the loveliest, most powerful journey that humans have ever taken. It’s what I refer to as the graduate school of life. Not everyone is willing to let go of their illusions and travel such a holy journey. Those who do, on the other hand, never regret their choice. 

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This time of life can be a time of unbridled optimism. Many Americans are happily married, and blissfully happy in their relationships. But the truth is that all is not always as it appears.. Read more about marrying late in life has been linked to and let us know what you think.

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This is a difficult question to answer. There are many reasons that relationships fail after marriage, but one of the most common is when people stop communicating and start living in their own little bubbles.”}}]}

Frequently Asked Questions

What are the worst years in a marriage?

The worst years in a marriage are the first few, when youre still getting to know each other and figuring out how to make your relationship work.

Why do wives resent their husbands?

The answer to this question is very complex. There are many different reasons why wives may resent their husbands, but one of the most common ones is that they feel like they are not being appreciated for all the work that they do.

Why do relationships fail after marriage?

This is a difficult question to answer. There are many reasons that relationships fail after marriage, but one of the most common is when people stop communicating and start living in their own little bubbles.

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How to Live with An Angry Man and What To Do If He Becomes President – MenAlive

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There are a lot of men out there who are angry. If you’re one of them, then you might be wondering what to do if your man turns into one of these men.

We all have angry husbands, sons, brothers, friends, neighbors, coworkers, or co-workers. There are many types of angry men, but most of them are pretty easy to deal with. It is when the angry man becomes the President of the United States that we need to be especially careful. When President Obama was elected in 2008, many men started preparing for the worst, but they should not have worried so much. Our President is a rational man, and he is not a threat to our safety or our economy. However, there are certain things that he is able to do that angry men cannot, and he would be able to accomplish them with little in the way of accountability. If he wants to do something crazy, he can do

 

how to live with an angry manMy wife should probably write this article, but she’s too busy enjoying her life to do so, and she’s grateful that the furious guy she’s been living with for 36 years has healed enough to be able to write about it. For me, the healing started when she went to the doctor and sought treatment for her depression. As she began to feel better, it became clear to her that I, too, might benefit from seeking treatment for my depression.

Of course, I maintained that I was OK and didn’t need any assistance. My furious outbursts (rage attacks) were ascribed to a natural response to her cruel conduct. Occasionally, I’d have an argument with her, and she’d shut down for weeks or months. I didn’t realize, like many other angry men, how devastating my anger was, how it affected my wife, or how terrible and long-lasting the trauma of rage was. Normally, I wouldn’t erupt; instead, I’d give her that look. “You have that beady-eyed stare that chills me to the bone,” she would remark. I didn’t understand a word she said. I convinced myself that I was a good person. She wasn’t witnessing a beady-eyed monster.

She wasn’t really witnessing a monster. She had just encountered an enraged guy who was both self-destructive and dragging her down with him. The creature was something I had seen in my nightmares but was scared to face in real life. It was much simpler to have inner monologues accusing her of being the source of my rage. “Who wouldn’t be irritated,” I’d tell myself, “when their wife is always whining and nagging?” It’s like being slammed in the head with a 2 X 4. I’m not going to let her get away with it.”

We term the type of thinking I was doing “delusional” in the professional world, of which I’m a long-time member with a Ph.D. in International Health and a clinical license to prove it. It’s referred to as “stinkin’ thinkin’” by Twelve Step rehabilitation organizations.

My wife was beginning to realize that either I needed to seek some assistance or she would have to quit the marriage. Of course, I was completely unaware of the situation. How could she possibly consider abandoning me? I was a decent person. I’d never struck her before. I didn’t consume any alcohol. I was able to make a decent livelihood. I arrived home on time (mostly). A few rage outbursts here and there couldn’t possibly be that terrible. I was afraid to look at my wrath and anger because I was afraid I would discover a monster.

My wife never forced me to get assistance. I’m sure I would have declined if she had. “No one is going to tell me what to do,” says the narrator. I’m a free guy who makes his own choices.” She was tough yet kind, stronger than I was at the time and much more loving. She kept telling me I needed assistance, but it was up to me whether I went or not. When I eventually got there, it was like a dam had broken open.

Finally, I had someone to speak to about what was going on inside of me. The therapist was knowledgeable and supportive. I developed my own scale of aggressiveness and sadness with the assistance of my wife and therapist. I would keep track of my emotions and behaviors, which allowed me to see when I was sad and when I was manic and furious.

I started reading literature on mental illnesses including depression and bipolar disorder. The professional books were intriguing, but Kay Redfield Jamison’s An Unquiet Mind: Memoir of Moods and Madness shattered my spirit and shook me to my core. I had read her bipolar illness text book and was surprised to learn that she had bipolar condition herself. These were the remarks that had such an impact on me. They nailed it when it came to expressing how I felt. They reflected my fear as much as my sorrow.

“You’re angry, anxious, humorless, lifeless, critical, and demanding, and no amount of reassurance will suffice. You’re terrified, and you’re terrifying, and everyone says, ‘You’re not at all like yourself, but you’ll be soon,’ but you know you won’t.”

 I reasoned that if she could seek treatment and speak about it, I should be able to as well. It’s been eighteen years since I sought assistance. I first resisted taking medicines, believing that I could manage things on my own with the help of talk therapy. But I did take them, and they were very helpful. Mood disorders include a physiological component as well as psychological, interpersonal, and societal components.

Things gradually improved. I’ve experienced setbacks, often when I’ve been overworked or coping with a major loss. My first setback came when I lost my job, and my second came when a buddy committed suicide. But, with the assistance and support of my wife and a competent therapist, I’ve been able to become healthy through the years.

When we’ve dealt with mental illness, fought it for years, and finally received effective treatment, we can see the pattern in others. “You’re impatient and anxious, humorless and lifeless, critical and demanding, and no reassurance is ever enough,” I thought to myself. I think about Donald Trump and say to myself, “You’re scared, and you’re scary.” I’m not making any kind of prognosis here. The guy is someone I’ve never met. But there’s a resemblance to my own experiences, and I sense kinship with an enraged guy who hasn’t dealt with his own problems.

I published an essay on Mr. Trump in which I offered some of my thoughts on his physical and mental health. “We know from Mr. Trump’s own writing that he was an angry and violent kid growing up, that he was sent to military school at a young age, and that he struggled to manage his temper,” I wrote in the piece.

Only those who are close to him are aware of his rage. However, as a voter, I would not want him to have access to weapons of mass devastation unless he receives real assistance. In terms of politics, I’m reminded of another Republican presidential contender who was nominated some time ago. Barry Goldwater was his name.

“In your heart, you know he’s right,” was the Republican campaign slogan. The Democratic reaction was, “You know he’s crazy in your guts.” I never thought that applied to Senator Barry Goldwater, but it does when I think of Donald Trump. We still have the option of abandoning him if he does not get assistance. It will be considerably more difficult if he is elected.

As usual, your feedback is much valued. You may write to them here, send me an email, or connect with me on Facebook.

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The Man’s Guide to Women – MenAlive

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The Man’s Guide to Women is a blog that provides useful information about women and relationships. It’s basically a men’s version of “Females & Relationships” written by a woman, so it’s especially written for men.

How does one approach a woman, who can be so amazing and so insane at the same time, with such a variety of emotions, and yet, be so limited in experience? (And to be fair, the same can be said of men) Boys are often told that a man should be capable of talking to women, asking them questions, and being more talkative than a girl. This is simply not the case. Women are not your mother or father. They are not your best friend. They are not your co-worker. They are not your dog. Often times, they are not even a woman. Even some professionals do not know how to approach a woman in a proper manner, and this should be respected.

No matter how old you are, and how much you know about the opposite sex, there is always something new to learn. So, why not start learning from the best? The old adage “it is better to learn from the master than to learn from the students” is true when you are talking about the opposite sex. When it comes to women, it is always good to learn from the master, who are women.

 

The-Mans-Guide-to-Women-MenAliveI’ve been helping men better understand women for more than 40 years so they can have more sex and love with fewer conflicts and tensions. We teach what we want to learn, and I’ll confess that I’m still learning about the beautiful creatures we call women and how to have passionate, calm, and happy relationships with them.

I grew up knowing more about women than I knew about men, like many other guys with missing dads. I recall playing in the kitchen with my mother and a few of my neighbors as they discussed their worries about the males in their life. They were all disappointed to some extent. Some people were dissatisfied with the lack of intimacy in the relationship. Others expressed dissatisfaction with the men’s performance, claiming that they were not as successful as they had anticipated.

My father was one of those guys who wasn’t emotionally attached to his family and struggled to maintain a job. He was a writer as well as a performer. He and my mother relocated from New York to California in the hopes of breaking into the fledgling television business. However, he grew more irritated, restless, and furious as he struggled to find work. He’d grown more distant and sad as well.

I’m sure one of the reasons I went into therapy to assist men and the women who love them was to better understand what women desire and how men might be better spouses. I also wanted to discover what guys were looking for in a mate and how women might improve their relationships. Here are some of the things I’ve learned about what women desire over the years.

  1. A lady seeks a guy she can rely on.

This is the most essential quality in a guy that a woman seeks. It’s not simply a matter of asking yourself, “Can I trust him to be faithful?” But can I rely on him to “be truthful about who he is, show up on time, and accomplish what he says he would do?” Relationship specialists John Gottman, Ph.D., and Julie Schwartz Gottman, Ph.D., claim it’s not about good looks, six-pack abs, or a large financial account in their book The Man’s Guide to Women: Scientifically Proven Secrets from the Love Lab About What Women Really Want. “The most important quality that women want is trustworthiness.”

  1. A lady seeks a guy who is secure in his presence.

Men seek a secure harbor, a woman who trusts him enough to allow him inside her, to touch profoundly with body, mind, and soul, as I write in my article “The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex.” However, a woman must feel comfortable with her partner in order to do so. The foundation of safety is trustworthiness: knowing that the guy is there for her and will do what he says he will.

The majority of our wounds come from people we care about. Women need to know that their guy will shield them from their own wrath as well as that of others. When I understood that my loud voice and beady-eyed glances when I was angry were heightening her anxiety, my connection with Carlin improved dramatically.

  1. A lady seeks a partner who is aware of her worries.

I consider myself to be a fairly mild-mannered individual who, like most men, occasionally becomes enraged and explodes. I never struck my wife and never would, but I recognized that my Carlin was still afraid even after I learned to manage my rage. “How many of you have ever worried for your life or physical well-being?” I asked the guys in one of the lectures I delivered to a big crowd of men and women. A couple of the guys stood up and raised their hands.

When I asked the ladies the same question, almost all of them raised their hands. Their worries were not just a thing of the past, but also of the present. In our tiny town of Willits, I never have to fear about traveling alone after dark. My wife is constantly concerned. I’ve never had to worry about getting raped or attacked, but she’s constantly worried. Understanding and not dismissing a woman’s natural concerns is critical for males to do.

  1. A lady seeks a guy who understands her requirements.

To help males pay attention to these essential actions, the Gottmans propose the term A-T-T-U-N-E:

  • When she wants to speak, pay attentively and give her your full attention. Yes, it means focusing only on her and not on the television or other distractions. She wants your undivided focus when she interacts with you.
  • Turn Towards—Move your body in the direction of her. Women associate closeness with eye-to-eye contact and face-to-face conversation.
  • Recognize—Pay attention to how she’s feeling. Refrain from attempting to “cure” the issue. We like repairing items and resolving issues. Refuse to succumb to that masculine enticement. Pose inquiries. Make an effort to comprehend how she feels and what she requires.
  • Non-defensive listening—When a woman is angry about others, and much more so when she is upset with you, this ability is essential. When Carlin is irritated by anything I’ve done or failed to do, I get defensive and attempt to explain myself. The most essential and hardest skill we can acquire is non-defensive listening.
  • Empathize—Emotions aren’t right or bad, even though we frequently dismiss our partner’s emotions that don’t make sense to us. Tune in to her fury if she’s enraged. Tune in to whatever she’s experiencing if she’s wounded or frightened. Empathizing with her emotions does not imply that you agree with her assessment of what is generating them.
  1. A woman seeks a guy who is capable of emotional involvement.

At play, the Gottmans watched 8-year-old boys and 8-year-old boys. The boys loved a game called “mobbed,” in which one kid held the ball and was pursued by 30 other boys until he had to surrender it. There was a lot of roughhousing going on, as well as a lot of laughing. When a child called Brian started crying, Gabe, the mob’s self-proclaimed leader, said, “Hey everyone stop!” “What’s the issue?” he inquired of Brian. Brian cried as he said that he was never given the opportunity to carry the ball. Gabe came up with a quick solution. “All right, let’s go, but Brian gets the ball this time.” They took off running, and the game resumed.

When one of the girls started to weep, the group of girls began to throw the ball from one to the other. “What’s the matter?” Lisa inquired. Kathy tells her, “You wounded my emotions.” This is the start of a long conversation on friendship, sentiments, and what best friends should do. All of the girls joined in, discussing how they first met, who they were close to, and even who they wanted to marry.

The game is the purpose of play for the boys, and emotions are a distraction that must be dealt with promptly so that the game may continue. The game is simply a backdrop for the ladies’ interactions. The primary event for them is talking and expressing feelings.

Although most men would never love emotional sharing as much as women do, a guy may strengthen his emotional muscles and connect more completely with the ladies in his life.

We can all learn a lot from one other. Please share your own experiences with me.

 

 

 

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The 5 Love Secrets Your Therapist Never Told You About – MenAlive

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There’s no secret to true love and relationships, but there are a few things you can do to make it last.

Most of us have heard of the relationship between prostate cancer and the prostate gland (the “male G-spot” if you will), but many of us aren’t clear on the specifics. Since prostate cancer can not only strike the prostate, but also any other part of the body, I’ve compiled a list of the top five most common questions I hear, and the answers I wish I’d received.

It’s no secret that men often struggle with love, and a lot of it has to do with what we say to ourselves. Guys, we all need help with how we communicate with women, and I’m going to help you out with that. Here are 5 love secrets your therapist never told you about.. Read more about how do you tell if your wife still loves you after separation? and let us know what you think.

 

Love SecretsThat’s true, I’ll confess it. I’m a hopeless romantic at heart. Weddings make me weep, and I like reading Nicholas Sparks books. I still get caught up watching romantic films like Titanic, Dirty Dancing, When Harry Met Sally, and Casablanca. I make up vacations so that I may buy flowers for my wife. But it took me a long time to find out how to establish a long-lasting love connection. My previous two marriages ended in divorce, and after 36 years of marriage, Carlin and I are still learning about love. The Enlightened Marriage: The 5 Transformative Stages of Relationships and Why the Best Is Yet to Come is a handbook for people who still believe in love but don’t have a lot of time on their hands.

Our career is chosen for a number of reasons. Part of the reason I wanted to be a marital and family counselor, I’m sure, was to better understand my own family life—my parents separated when I was five years old. My father’s irritability, anger, and depression were growing. My mother was always concerned and nervous, and she was preoccupied with death. I wanted to discover the mysteries of love so that I might have a long-lasting, passionate, strong, and fulfilling relationship. However, in order to grasp the mysteries of love, we must relinquish some of our most treasured beliefs.

  • The first love secret is that love is not exclusive.

We are all aware that we may have a large number of “loved ones.” In addition to our spouse or lover, we may love our children, parents, and even distant relatives and acquaintances. We, on the other hand, think that love is confined to a select few and that we can only have one “great love of our life.” When we’re single, we often want for that particular someone with whom we may fall passionately in love and spend the rest of our lives.

However, love is not mutually exclusive. I tell my customers that there are 5,284 great mates out there for them to fall in love with and be incredibly happy with. Although the exact number is a joke, the notion that there is a “one and only” lover out there makes us more fearful than we need to be. The reality is that we can love a lot of people.

  • Love Secret #2: Love is fleeting.

The couple who had been married for 54 years is the subject of a joke. “You never tell me you love me,” the wife grumbled. “When we got married, I told you I loved you,” the guy said. I’ll let you know if my opinion changes.” We have the erroneous notion that “when we fall in love, it will last forever.” In a love song, it sounds wonderful, but it doesn’t work in real life.

Assume you’ve just married. You’re passionately in love and looking lovingly into your spouse’s eyes, imagining a lifetime of happiness. Following the wedding, you settle down for supper. No one imagines that after the wedding supper, you won’t have to eat again. We recognize that our bodies need nutrition at least three times each day. We, on the other hand, make the error of assuming that love, once felt, will endure forever.

  • Love is a sequence of emotional connections of caring and support, according to Love Secret #3.

In college, I remember falling in love with Jeanie. The fact was that everyone was smitten with Jeanie. She wasn’t the prettiest or sexiest female we knew, but she was always fully present in the moment when you were with her. You were engulfed in love as she gazed into your eyes. You had the impression that you were the most important person on the planet, and that she really cared about you. She appeared to bring out the best in you as well.

“Within each instant of loving connection, you become genuinely involved in this other person’s well-being, solely for his or her own sake,” Barbara L. Fredrickson, Ph.D, writes in her book Love 2.0: How Our Supreme Emotion Affects Everything We Feel, Think, Do, and Become. These love exchanges are similar to food. Every day, we need numerous experiences of love in order to be healthy. If you don’t nourish your relationship with love, it will perish just as you would if you didn’t have air or food to consume.

  • Love Secret #4: Love and marriage aren’t always compatible.

I recall hearing a song as a kid about love and marriage being like a horse and carriage. When we fall in love and marry, we consider love to be the foundation of our partnership. We believe there must be something wrong with the marriage if love appears to vanish, as it frequently does in a long-term committed partnership. We believe we have selected the incorrect spouse or that our preferred partner has vanished.

“I still love my partner, but I’m not in love with them anymore,” I often hear couples remark. This is typically an indication that one or both spouses want to leave. But, in reality, marriage isn’t only about soft kisses and warm hugs. There will be confusion, rage, anguish, and agony, as with all hero’s journeys.

Dr. Fredrickson adds, “When you associate love with personal interactions, love may appear perplexing.” “It feels wonderful at times, yet it aches like hell at others. It raises you up with great aspirations for your future at times, and oppresses you at other times with humiliation over your shortcomings or remorse over your past actions.” Even in the greatest marriages, love tends to vanish when we need it most.

  • Love Secret #5: In Stage 3 of an intimate relationship, love may seem scarce. Don’t give up hope.

Most of us have grown up with some version of the idea that marriage has two phases. We meet that particular someone and fall in love in the initial stage. Our love grows in the second stage, and we begin to create a life together. We’re going to live together and may have children. We hope that this period will continue, and that “they lived happily ever after,” as the fairy tales tell us.

Most relationships, though, aren’t like that. We don’t always live happily ever after, even in wonderful partnerships. There is a sense of disappointment and tension. “When Romantic Love fades, it seems like you can’t do anything right,” explain marriage specialists Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt. Someone who was once your biggest supporter may turn into your worst critic. Napping takes the place of adoration. You begin to wonder, ‘Who is this guy I married?’ We used to get along swimmingly.’

It’s not always easy to offer each other the affection we so badly want. We feel deceived, and love’s well-spring seems to be drying up. Don’t be discouraged. This is the third stage in a mature relationship. It’s what I refer to as disenchantment. It’s a period when we must let go of all the expectations we have for our spouse. We view things not as they are, but how we would want them to be. The good news is that we now have the opportunity to view our partner clearly.

We don’t like what we see at first. What we don’t like are the projections from our damaged childhoods, for the most part. Most of us did not grow up with ideal parents, and the abuse, neglect, and abandonment we experienced as children resurface in this third stage. Indeed, one of the primary reasons we’re here is to bring these ancient wounds to light so they may be healed.

In the context of our adult relationship, dealing with these childhood traumas enables us to go to the fourth stage, which I refer to as genuine, enduring love. During this stage, we fall in love with our spouse again, and we may then go on to stage 5, discovering our purpose as a couple, where we can use the love we’ve built to accomplish good in the world.

In my Enlightened Marriage Masters Class, I show you how to go through all five phases of love. Don’t give up if you’re having trouble. Continue to provide as much love as you can. It’s yours to give to your partner, and it’s yours to keep. It’s important to remember that learning to love is a hero’s journey. It’s difficult, but then again, so is anything important in life. I eagerly await your response. Please share your experiences in the comments area below, and then follow me on Twitter.

 

 

 

 

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Are You Living With An Angry Man? Take the Quiz and Find Out

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The men in our lives can be hard to deal with at times, whether that’s just a friend or a partner or a family member. Sometimes we feel like we can’t be ourselves around them and that’s why they might feel frustrated with us. However, we also feel that we don’t say what we mean or we mean things we don’t say. There are so many things that we do to make them angry but we don’t realize that. But, we shouldn’t be afraid of this.

It’s one thing to notice that your partner seems to be getting angry more often; it’s another thing altogether to pinpoint the specific reasons why. There’s no one-size-fits-all answer to why a man might be feeling more frustrated than usual; it could be a lack of sleep, a recent family crisis, a negative health diagnosis, or something else entirely. But there are two surefire ways to tell if your partner is having a bad day: take his temperature and check his pulse. The first test, a rectal thermometer, is the simplest of all: If your partner’s temperature is too high, he’s probably having a bad day. As for the pulse, press

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Are-You-Living-With-An-Angry-Man-Take-the-QuizWe teach what we wish to learn, according to someone. I work as a writer. Reading the books I write to make sense of my own life and to assist others may teach you a lot about myself. Here are three of the fifteen essays I’ve written about coping with anger: Understanding and Managing the 4 Key Causes of Depression and Aggression, The Irritable Male Syndrome, Mr. Mean says: Saving Your Relationship from The Irritable Male Syndrome, and My Distant Dad: Healing the Family Father Wound, which will be released in June 2018.

I pretended I wasn’t furious for years. Ask anybody, I’m a lovely person. Anyone who is unfamiliar with me and accepts the persona I developed as a child. But those closest to me, such as my wife Carlin, know the reality. I used to be a kind person, and I still am, but I have a lot of rage.

Do you have a short fuse as a man? Do you attempt to contain your rage but feel like you’re ready to erupt? Do those who care about you think you’re a grumpy person? Are you a woman who is married to an enraged man? Are you irritated by his rage? Do you fight back or do you give up? Is your relationship harmed by your anger? Continue reading if you responded yes to any of these questions.

Men, like everyone else, become furious from time to time. We are all human, and we all react to injustices and unjust treatment. Whether warranted or not, we also respond to irritation, criticism, and threat. However, we are seeing an increase in male animosity that is creating issues for the guy, his family, the society, and the globe at large. Men will not fix the issue by blaming them.

In movies, the media, and our daily lives, male irritation, wrath, fury, and violence have become more accepted. Irritable Male Syndrome (IMS) may affect males of any age, although it is more common in young men and those over the age of 40. We are often unaware of the depth of our rage. Here’s a questionnaire that Harvard University researchers used to evaluate men’s rage. Answer yes or no to the following questions:

  1. I have the want to curse at times.
  2. I have the want to bash stuff at times.
  3. I’m not sure why I’ve been so irritated and grumpy lately.
  4. I’ve had the want to start a fight with someone at times.
  5. I’m easily irritated by other individuals.
  6. I’m often accused of being a hothead.
  7. When someone attempts to cut in front of me in line, it irritates me.
  8. I’ve had to be harsh with individuals who were disrespectful or irritating at times.
  9. I’m often apologetic because I’m angry and grumpy.
  10. It irritates me when people rush me.
  11. I am a really obstinate person.
  12. I’m not sure what it is that makes me so furious and unhappy at times.
  13. When I was drunk, I became enraged and destroyed furniture or dishes.
  14. I’ve been so enraged at someone that I’ve felt like I’m about to explode.
  15. I’ve been so enraged that I’ve harmed someone in a physical altercation.
  16. I virtually never lose control of myself.

The-Hidden-Reason-Men-Get-Angry-With-Women-Over-Nothing

Each “true” earn 1 point for questions 1–15, while each “false” score 1 point for question 16. The greater your total, the more enraged you are. Most individuals, if we’re being honest, know whether or not anger is an issue in their relationship. If you’re a male taking the quiz, consider if anger is an issue in your relationship or in your life. “Is male rage an issue in my relationship and in my life?” if you’re a woman taking the quiz.

Men and the women who love them may benefit from just acknowledging that anger is an issue. At other times, we need assistance. I want to teach a class for people who need assistance and support in coping with rage. Send me an email with the subject line “anger class” if you’d want additional information.

 

 

 

 

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You are being controlled by your man and your life is draining out of you slowly. You may be tired, stressed, depressed, angry, anxious, and even suicidal. The life you should have had is now gone, and you are living a life that is not you.. Read more about subtle signs of anger issues and let us know what you think.

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