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Ever had the experience where you’re walking down the street and a man is being very difficult? He’s cutting you off, bumping into you, bad-mouthing you, and especially being irrationally angry. Sometimes you just want to walk away, but you don’t because it’s not nice to treat others like that. But, where do you tell this guy to stop being such a jerk?
We are all capable of being enraged at times. When we feel threatened, we get enraged. However, we all know individuals who are easily enraged or whose rage creates difficulties in their personal or professional relationships. One of those individuals was me. I authored two books on how it affected me and what I learnt from it in order to assist myself and my clients: Mr. Mean: Saving Your Relationship from The Irritable Male Syndrome and The Irritable Male Syndrome: Understanding and Managing the 4 Key Causes of Depression and Aggression
When I was writing The Irritable Male Syndrome, I conducted a lot of research. I created a questionnaire to assist individuals better understand their anger and whether or not it was causing them problems. More than 30,000 individuals have taken the quiz thus far. It’s for men who want to discover more about themselves. It is taken by women in order to better understand and assist the guy in their life.
One of the things I discovered while dealing with my own and my clients’ anger was that it was frequently a symptom of depression or bipolar illness in males. Both of these diseases afflicted my father.
I’ve also struggled with depression and bipolar disorder. I wasn’t easy to live with when I was angry and manic, or irritated and sad. Love and understanding are what we most desire and need, yet our feelings frequently elicit pity, and our spouse withdraws in fear or responds with wrath.
When I was furious, my wife used to say that I had “that beady-eyed expression.” She said it would send shivers down her spine. The more she retreated, the more enraged I became, and the more she withdrew, creating a vicious cycle that further exacerbated the issue. Here are a few pointers that I’ve found useful:
1. Recognize that an irritated and furious guy is often in search of love
Andrew Solomon took a very intimate and in-depth look at depression and the connection between sadness and love in his book Depression and Love. “Depression is the fault in love,” he writes in The Noonday Demon: An Atlas of Depression. We must be beings that can despair at what we lose in order to be creatures who love, and sadness is the mechanism of that despair.”
When I was furious, it was usually because I was yearning for affection and isolated from others. I realized that my rage was driving people away who needed to love me, but I couldn’t seem to break the cycle of rage, withdrawal, and more rage.
2. Accept that you are not the cause of your partner’s rage
When a guy becomes violent and enraged, he frequently believes that someone is to blame for his misery. You may feel like the focus of his rage since he often directs it at others. You may begin to think that you are the source of the issue and that you are really terrible.
Don’t trust what you’re hearing. You are not to blame for his rage, nor are you the intended target. You Are Not the Target: Recipes for Living and Loving, by Laura Huxley, is a great book. “The more fortunate among us make three stunning discoveries at one time or another,” Huxley writes.
The first discovery is that everyone of us has the ability to make ourselves and others feel better or worse to different degrees.
Second discovery: It is much more gratifying to make people feel better than it is to make them feel worse.
The third discovery is that making others feel better helps us feel better.”
Making yourself feel better while also assisting an angry guy may be a gift to both of you.
3. Recognize that he is hurting underneath his rage
Most angry men feel deeply wounded. It can help you listen to his anger with love and understanding if you are aware that the angry man is often covering his hurt with anger. Once he’s cooled down a bit. Ask him to tell you more about the hurt and pain he’s experiencing. That may trigger more anger, but most often it will help him get in touch with his sadness. Once he can share his pain, he is well on his way to healing.
4. Be ready to recognize the dread that lies underneath the pain
Accepting that I was terrified was one of the most hardest things for me to do. I was scared of a variety of things, including not succeeding as a man, disappointing myself and my family, and bringing harm to my relationship and people I cared about the most. I was terrified of my own sentiments, as well as the possibility that my actions and emotions might drive my wife away. It was incredibly liberating to be able to identify and speak about my own anxieties.
5. When we voice our dread, we realize we are burdened with a tremendous degree of guilt
Most of us feel bad about what we do or don’t do. I felt bad about myself for not being a better spouse and parent. I felt terrible for not being able to manage my emotions and for feeling like a stick of dynamite with a short fuse. The more enraged I became, the more guilty I felt. I masked my guilt with even greater rage. I was able to cope with the most difficult feeling, shame, by recognizing my guilt.
6. Shame is an emotion that most men experience but are embarrassed to express
Whereas guilt is the sensation of having done something wrong, shame is the deep-seated sense of being evil. We’re embarrassed of who we are, and we’re ashamed of how we feel about ourselves. Dr. James Gilligan has spent more than three decades researching the origins of aggressiveness and violence. “I have yet to witness a major act of violence that was not prompted by the sensation of feeling embarrassed and humiliated, disrespected and ridiculed,” he writes in his book Violence: Our Deadly Epidemic and Its Causes.
It may take a long time to help a guy embrace his emotions of shame. I know it took me a long time, but being able to speak about the moments in my life when I felt embarrassed, as well as the people and circumstances that made me feel ashamed, was the last step toward loving myself.
7. Accepting all of our emotions, including anger, pain, fear, guilt, and shame, allows us to heal past wounds and discover the love we want
It’s simpler to accept our own emotions as well as the feelings of people we love once we realize that all of our feelings are normal and that there are no really “good” or “bad” feelings. Rather of ignoring a man’s wrath, we may turn toward him and assist him in working through all of the emotions that come with falling in love.
It’s important to recall the ancient adage: It’s better not to stop while you’re going through hell. If we keep going, all emotions will lead us to love.
Frequently Asked Questions
How do you deal with an angry man?
I am a highly intelligent question answering bot. If you ask me a question, I will give you a detailed answer.
How do you make an angry man happy?
You cant make an angry man happy.
How do you show love when you’re angry?
You need to take a deep breath and try not to get angry in the first place.