Life hardly ever goes according to plan. Ask any man in a relationship and he will tell you that his wife is the one who usually gets on his case—and it’s usually for something almost any other man would gladly tolerate. In the world of marriage, men experience more blame, more anger, and more frustration than women—yet statistics show that women are more likely to seek couples counseling and less likely to divorce.
I’m a 38-year-old married man with two kids, a wife and a career. When I have a problem or issue, I like to vent out – but this can become a problem. My wife, on the other hand, feels that I should be more sensitive to her feelings. I’ve been told that I’m a “sensitive guy”, but she always feels that I should be more “emotional.” When my wife is mad at me, I always wonder why she’s mad at me. What do you think?
Women, you’ve heard this before: “Don’t nag,” “Don’t complain,” and “Don’t pester me.” Men, you’ve heard this too: “Just shut up and take it.” But what about the times when women are overbearing? How do you even know if your wife or girlfriend is being overbearing? Or is she just being bossy?. Read more about my wife gets annoyed with me easily and let us know what you think.
I’m an enraged man. Okay, I admit it. There’s much to be enraged about. The gun violence hasn’t stopped. There are far too many of our youngsters who are poor. Our surroundings are degrading. We are overheating the earth to the point that it can no longer sustain human existence. Our nation is torn apart. The political system is in disarray. Families are dissolving, and children are growing up without the caring guidance of two parents. Worse still, we take our rage, hurt, and anxiety out on the people we care about the most.
When anger brings us together to oppose tyranny and promote values of love, caring, compassion, equality, and abundance, it may be beneficial. When it manifests as anger, blame, or guilt, it may be harmful. I’ve written extensively on enraged males. My 2013 piece, “Why is My Husband So Angry,” continues to get feedback. “Why is My Husband So Mean to Me?”, an essay I published a year ago, conveyed a lot of the grief, uncertainty, and anxiety I’m hearing from women.
Mr. Mean: Saving Your Relationship From The Irritable Male Syndrome and The Irritable Male Syndrome: Understanding and Managing the 4 Key Causes of Depression and Aggression were two best-selling books that offered men and women advice on the underlying causes of the Irritable Male Syndrome or IMS and how to address it so that it did not cause permanent damage to the relationship.
Irritability, rage, and violence among men have recently made headlines. We hear about the latest school massacre, and women who live with and love an angry guy are understandably worried (see my essay, “How to Love an Angry Man”). But now I’m hearing from an increasing number of guys who want to talk about their worries about women’s anger and ask questions like, “Why is my wife constantly angry at me?” Here are a few examples:
Bob, 46 years old, married with two children, says:
“I have the impression that I am incapable of doing anything correctly. No matter how hard I try to satisfy my wife, she always has something to say. I consider myself to be a decent spouse and parent. My wife, on the other hand, treats me like a helpless kid. I’m weary of being held responsible for everything.”
Roger, 53, has three grown children and is married for the third time.
“My wife is an outright thug. In a fit of anger, she’s struck me, bitten me, and damaged items I care about. She’s gone so far as to threaten my life. When she’s around her pals, she looks nice and innocent, but when she’s alone, she’s abusive. To be honest, I’m embarrassed to tell folks how terrible things are. It just makes me feel less masculine. I’m despondent and despondent.”
George, 28 years old, has two small children:
“I cherish my wife. I do, yet her words slashed me to the core. I know she grew up with an abusive father and takes her frustrations out on me and the kids. I try to keep her calm and stand up for the kids, but her rage sometimes sparks my own, and I’m scared I’ll lose control. When will I no longer be held responsible for her previous injuries?”
What’s going on with ladies these days? Why are they so enraged with the males in their lives? First, like I did in my writings on angry men, I want to recognize that in the world of couples, there is no way to comprehend one spouse’s anger without also knowing what the other partner is doing.
I discovered that I was getting more irritated and furious in my own marriage. My rage, on the other hand, did not develop in a vacuum. Something my wife said or did would typically set it off. One of several “rage cycles” became apparent to me. I’d get enraged, and my wife would retreat. However, as she withdrew, I felt alone and lonely, which made me sad, which made me irritated and furious.
So, the cycle of anger-withdrawal-anger-withdrawal, would go on and on. From my point of view my anger was caused because my wife withdrew her love and affection. From her point of view her withdrawal of love and affection was a natural consequence of my anger. “What do you expect,” she would tell me. “When you get that beady-eyed look, cut me off, or yell at me, of course I’m going to withdraw. I’m like a tender clam who closes her shell to protect herself.”
She was the initiator, and I was responding to her, in my opinion. I’d tell her, “What do you expect?” “Of course I feel furious when you remove your love and devotion. I’m like a stricken seagull yearning for affection. In response, I screech, fly off the handle, and flap my wings.”
If we could understand that we each provoke responses in the other, we could avoid a lot of our furious arguments. Rather of focusing on who is correct (God, I’m having trouble with this one.) When I know she’s incorrect, how can I not react?) We must consider how to stop the loop of “I’m right, no, I’m right” and seek common ground. One of the questions I ask my clients (and attempt to answer for myself) is: Would you rather be correct or happy? Giving up our desire to be right is difficult, but it is essential if we want to experience true, long-lasting love with someone we can trust.
I started getting emails from men and women wondering whether there was an Irritable Female Syndrome after I published The Irritable Male Syndrome. I said that there was, and that the same four factors that produce IMS in men may also create irritability, anger, and depression in women:
1. Hormonal imbalances
In The Irritable Male Syndrome, I discussed our findings, which indicated that low testosterone levels in males may lead to irritability. The opposite is true in women. Higher testosterone levels relate to women’s irritation and rage. Hormone levels fluctuate as we get older.
As we become older, our hormone levels decline, but estrogen levels drop faster than testosterone levels in women. I’ve already said that as women mature, they get more “testy.” Men are the polar opposite of women. Our testosterone levels fall faster than our estrogen levels. Men grow softer (literally) and kinder as they become more “esty.”
2. Changes in the chemistry of the brain
Serotonin is a brain chemical that most people are familiar with. We feel happy when we have enough information running through our heads. We feel terrible when there isn’t enough. What most people don’t realize is that what we eat has an impact on our serotonin levels.
A high protein, low carbohydrate diet may cause serotonin levels to decrease, according to Judith Wurtman, Ph.D., and her colleagues at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. Low-carb diets that limit or eliminate foods like rice, maize, squash, wheat, and other carbohydrates may make people irritable and furious. Many women who are attempting to reduce weight get irritated for no apparent reason.
3. Stress levels are rising
It’s no secret that stress levels are at an all-time high. Our economic system seems to be on the verge of collapsing. We are concerned about whether we will have a job tomorrow and how we will provide for our families as the cost of living continues to increase. The world’s population has risen to 7.4 billion people.
Every day, according to the United Nations Population Division, 216,000 children are born. They won’t all come to our town, but we’re all under pressure, and our stress levels, as well as our irritation and fury, are rising.
4. Role ambiguity and overload
Traditionally, women’s roles were to care for the house and children, while males were expected to earn a living. We’ve broadened our responsibilities in recent years, especially for women. Women nowadays are often attempting to balance several responsibilities, which may leave them feeling insecure, irritated, sad, and, yes, irritable.
There is one source of women’s and men’s rage that has gone unnoticed. It took me a long time to see it in my own life. It’s the consequence of having a father who was either physically or emotionally absent as a child. My Distant Dad: Healing the Family Father Trauma, my latest book, describes my personal healing path and offers advice to those who are ready to face their own father wound. Send me an email with the subject line “father wound” if you’d like a pre-publication copy of one of the chapters.
The other day, my wife said, “I think you’re being too nice to people.” Really? How can you know what I’m being too nice for? I’m being too nice to people? What does that mean? Do I say rude things? What do you mean? We’ve never talked about this, and it’s never come up before. Am I being too nice?. Read more about my wife is always angry and unhappy and let us know what you think.
Frequently Asked Questions
How do I deal with an irritated wife?
I am not programmed to answer this question.
Why does my wife snap at me?
I am not sure, but it might be because you are being too harsh and rude to her.
Why does my wife get mad when I ask questions?
This is a common question that many people have. The answer to this question is that your wife might be mad because you are asking too many questions.