There are many reasons why men who have been abused at some point in their lives can get angry. But if you are married to such a man, you have a right to be worried about your marriage.
If you are having marital problems, it’s best to consult with your spouse, because he is likely to feel that you are not listening to his side of the story. But, if you suspect that he will not listen to you, you should start by keeping things to yourself.
Anger is a normal emotion. It’s a feeling that everyone feels from time to time. It’s a feeling, however, that’s not allowed to rage for lengthy periods of time in healthy relationships. Anger can be healthy or it can lead to unhealthy circumstances, but when it becomes a problem, it’s time to find a solution.
For those who have been in a relationship for a while, it can be easy to take your partner for granted. These days, most men don’t have to worry about finding a date to a bar and may not have to go through the hassle of trying to woo their partner on a first date.
This can lead to a sense of complacency and can start to damage a relationship.. Read more about how to help an angry man and let us know what you think.
Everyone desires a passionate, happy, and secure relationship, yet far too many individuals are in stressful, conflict-filled relationships. Fights or, even worse, deadly silences occur. Here, I’ll go over some of the fundamentals you’ll need to understand male rage and prevent it from destroying your relationship.
1. Recognize that males are seldom enraged for the reasons that they believe
Allow me to be down-to-earth and intimate. Most people would describe myself as a very level-headed individual. I’m a cheerful person who smiles a lot and gets along with almost everyone.
Except for the ladies I care about. In all of my female relationships, I’ve struggled with anger. My first wife would make me insanely furious (but I’d tell myself, “Of course I get angry.
Who wouldn’t be enraged by someone who treats me this way?”) But I’d also get angry with our daughter (and remind myself, “I’ve got to teach her to listen to me and do what I say.”) It’s for her own benefit.)
The true source of my rage was concealed from my view. Because my rage wasn’t directed at my wife or daughter (sure, people annoy us all the time), it kept coming back, and I’d erupt in ways that my daughter and wife couldn’t understand.
2. Recognize that 90% of our anger is rooted in the past
We believe that something in the present is driving our rage, but the reality is that it all stems from the past. Chronic rage has nothing to do with the people we care about these days.
It has its origins in our previous connections with individuals who have wronged us in the past. Because the memories are so unpleasant, we bury them. They do not, however, go away. They’re hidden within like time bombs ready to go off. My wife makes a harsh comment or looks at me in a particular manner.
My daughter behaves like a kid, being obstinate and difficult. The bombs go off, and I explode up.
3. Recognize that unless you take action to change your masculine rage, it will ruin everything and everyone you care about
My rage was a factor in my first marriage’s demise. After that, I married an angry and aggressive lady (When anger has not been healed, its not unusual to pick a partner who has anger issues).
I nursed my wounds after we split up, convinced myself that I had just chosen the wrong person, and fell in love again (although its difficult to truly know love when we have an anger demon inside us). Fortunately, I started to address the source of my rage and took steps to repair it.
Carlin and I have been together for 39 years, and much of what I’ve learned and written about in my books is the product of our shared experiences.
4. Join a men’s group to be in the company of caring guys
Most of us taught through movies, television, and other guys in our families that men were meant to be strong and quiet, that we were supposed to handle our issues ourselves, that revealing our sensitive sides was a sign of weakness, that big boys don’t cry, and a slew of other beliefs and norms.
As a consequence, most of us live within a Man Box, where our rage is stored up until it bursts on people we care about. In my new book, 12 Rules for Good Men, which will be released on November 21, 2019, I discuss the Man Box. “Join a men’s group,” is the first guideline for decent guys. Carlin, my wife, credits our 39-year marriage’s success to the fact that I’ve been a member of a men’s club for 40 years.
In the book, I discuss the advantages of joining a support group, where to look for one, and how to get started. Send me an email at [email protected] with the subject line “12 Rules for Good Men” if you’re interested in learning more about the new book as soon as it’s released. You’ll be the first to receive the book when it’s released.
5. Understand the five phases of love, with stage 3 being the most essential
I used to believe there were just two phases in life. To begin, we must find the appropriate partner. Second, we are constructing a life together. We live happily ever after after that.
The marriage ended when I got furious and disillusioned with the person I was with, or when she became disillusioned with me, and we had to start over and try again. But here’s the thing: there’s a catch. Disillusionment is a stage that every relationship must go through, I discovered.
Its goal is to help us face reality and cope with the wounds we’ve been carrying our entire lives, wounds that build time bombs that explode unless we defuse them. I dealt with my father’s wound and realized how his wrath was passed to me when I completed my own Stage 3 recovery.
I realized I was enraged at my mother, whom I had always regarded as a saint for persevering and caring for me after my father was sent to a mental institution. I dealt with my anger against a babysitter who had molested me as a kid and a neighbor girl who used to taunt and beat me but who I couldn’t stop since “Boys never harm females.” We’re tough and can handle anything.”
6. Heal Stage 3 and make room in your life for true, long-lasting love
I’ll be honest about Stage 3: it’s not easy to go through. I needed assistance, which I got from a fantastic therapist. I required medicine for a time to help me cope with my long-term depression. However, the benefits enable us to go to Stage 4, True Lasting Love.
We’ve finally gotten what we’ve wanted all our lives but couldn’t figure out how to obtain. I still get furious, but it’s a different sort of rage, one that stems from the present moment rather than from old scars. Carlin and I have fallen in love and continue to fall in love with one other on a regular basis. We’ve even learnt about Stage 5, Couples Discovering Their Calling.
I cordially welcome you to accompany us on our trip. If you want to learn more, pick up a copy of my book, The Enlightened Marriage. You may also read The Irritable Male Syndrome and Mr. Mean: Saving Your Relationship, both of which deal with male rage. You may also drop by my blog and tell me about your own experiences.