Menopause is a topic that often gets shied away from. However, there are many symptoms that are associated with this time for women and it can be quite distressing for those experiencing it. The symptoms that surround menopause are similar to those that accompany menopause, however, men do not typically experience the same symptoms as women.
Menopause is a term used for a number of different physiological changes that happen to a woman’s body after she has reached menopause. Although it may not sound like it, menopause is actually a completely natural process to women. Menopause occurs when a woman is no longer able to produce eggs and menstrual periods are no longer happening.
Menopause is a major life event for women. It’s a time when we’re no longer the only ones who can make decisions for ourselves, but at the same time we’ve got our parts dictating our lives. Our bodies go through changes, hormones are flowing, we’re getting older and need to start planning for retirement. So, is it any wonder that our partners are angry?
Dr. Jed, I’d want to express my heartfelt gratitude for everything you
After reading your book, I’m certain that my spouse is going through male menopause. He’s irritable all of the time and puts everything on me. I want to vanish because he calls me names, screams at me, and stares at me with such hate. I’ve never been struck by him, but I’m scared of him. He categorically denies that he has any issues. When he gets angry, he calls me a bitch and other derogatory terms, and tells me I’m insane and should be sent to a mental institution.
His views are supported by his family, who, although seeing how furious and nasty he can be, denies that there is anything wrong with him. They say he wasn’t depressed before he married me, so it’s probably me who’s the issue.
I adore my spouse and want to provide him all the assistance he needs. I’m sure he’s in a lot of pain. I’m confident we could sort things out if he simply admitted there was an issue. Can you assist me in reaching out to him? SL.
I often get calls and e-mails from women who believe their spouse is going through male menopause. They go into great depth about his anger and fury. They often inform me that he is verbally and physically violent. Most go on to say that they love their spouse and want to do all they can to help him go back to the wonderful relationship they had before he was diagnosed with IMS.
When I receive these sorts of letters, I cringe. I have no objections to their desire to assist their guy and save their relationship, but I am concerned about their priorities and attention focus. Too many of these women stay in unhealthy, often violent relationships because they are more concerned with helping him than with healing themselves. I picture me reaching out and shaking the airwaves. “Don’t you see you can’t assist him or the relationship until you help yourself?” I’d want to inform them.
Irritable Men Develop a Rage Addiction
When most people think about addiction, they think of substances like heroin or cocaine. Addicts are stereotyped as individuals who lack self-esteem and are unable to regulate their actions. But, as someone who has dealt with addictions for over 40 years, I have a different perspective. I think that individuals may get addicted to anything that provides a sense of well-being, however fleetingly, or provides pain relief, however brief.
We can see how individuals may get hooked to gambling, pornography, the internet, other people, or powerful emotions with this knowledge. All of these activities may offer individuals with emotions of pleasure or well-being, as well as pain or sadness alleviation.
Let’s start with how guys may get addicted to anger. The majority of individuals mix up fury with anger. “Rage is as distinct from anger as darkness is from day, as applies are from orangutans,” says John Lee, author of The Anger Solution. Anger is both a sensation and an emotion. Rage may mask other emotions, but it is not a sensation or emotion in and of itself. Rage is the equivalent of a large dosage of morphine. It’s a substance that’s legal, abundant, and easy to get your hands on, but it may be addictive.”
The fact that anger does not fulfill a genuine need is one of the reasons it may become addictive. Anger, on the other hand, is a feeling that reflects our desire to protect ourselves from losing something we care about. Because rage is a mask for previous losses, it may spiral out of control. Have you ever observed how anger feeds on itself when it is expressed?
Lee provides many useful distinctions between anger and rage:
- Rage hampers conversation, while anger clears the air.
- Injustices and wrongs are righted by anger. Rage is an injustice that causes individuals to be wronged even more.
- Anger is concerned with the here and now. Rage is about the past.
- Anger is about “me,” or how I’m feeling at the time. Rage is about “you,” my assessment of your perceived shortcomings.
Men who get addicted to anger are searching for love but don’t know where to look. They want for someone to love and soothe them, but instead attempt to dominate those on whom they have grown reliant. They feel weak and insignificant, and their anger temporarily provides them a sense of strength and dominance.
Women who adore IMS guys develop an addiction to them
Stanton Peele said in his book Love and Addiction, “Many of us are addicts, but we don’t realize it,” on the link between “love” and “addiction.” We seek each other out of the same desires that lead some to drink and others to use heroin. Interpersonal addiction, often known as love addiction, is the most prevalent but least understood kind of addiction.”
Many women are trained from an early age to prioritize the needs of others above their own. They’ve been socialized to be caregivers. They often look after their parents, siblings, or friends as children. They often have many unmet needs as children, and they typically choose partners who seem stable and loving on the surface but are really very wounded. As adults, these injured soldiers often suffer from IMS. And it is typically these injured women who fall in love with them.
I discuss many women’s relationship experiences in my book, Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places: Overcoming Romantic and Sexual Addictions. “Many of us are dissatisfied with our love relationships and are unsure what to do about it. There are moments when we vow to ourselves, “never again.” It’s simply too terrible to go near. However, we can only dedicate so much energy to our work, friends, and interests. We all return to the quest for love at some point. We cling to that particular someone like orphaned children when we eventually discover them. Even when things go wrong in a relationship, we hang on for dear life. Even when the connection is causing us pain, we can’t seem to let go. We’re on a hope-and-despair roller coaster.” Is this something you’ve heard before?
So, what exactly do you have to do?
1. Recognize that this journey is about you first and foremost
Irritable male syndrome is a term I use to describe a condition that affects both men and women. If IMS has entered your life, you now have the chance to participate in your own recovery. Although my impatience and anger had been creating difficulties in our relationship for years, things started to improve when Carlin began to work on her own issues.
For many women, concentrating on oneself seems to be self-centered. It is, however, the one thing that can improve matters for you, him, and the relationship. I’d want you to write this statement or the emotion in your own words and post it somewhere you can see it every day. “I am dedicated to my own health and happiness. I must first improve myself in order to benefit my guy and the relationship.”
2. Commit to your own physical and mental well-being
If you are being physically assaulted, you must seek medical help immediately. You must treat yourself as though you were a lovely kid in peril. You must do all you can to protect the prior existence. You must relocate out of the home if you are required to do so. You should insist on his leaving the home if he has to. You must, whatever it takes, establish a secure haven for yourself.
This must encompass both physical and emotional security. Some of us think that we are not being mistreated if we are not physically assaulted. However, anybody who has been the victim of fury, whether it is overt anger or hidden disdain, understands how damaging it can be. Emotional abuse is, in many respects, much more harmful than physical violence. You must make a firm commitment to escaping emotionally harmful circumstances.
You may not be able to do so right away, but you must be ready to put in the effort to make it happen. Nothing will improve unless you have a sense of security. Violence will seem familiar if you grew up in an abusive home where you were either abused or saw abuse. It will be strange to feel secure. Regardless of your resistance, you must remain in a safe environment.
3. Seek help from others
Many individuals retreat from friends and relatives when IMS is introduced into a relationship. We are embarrassed, whether consciously or subconsciously. We don’t want other people to know what’s truly going on in our lives. If the guy is scared or intimidated, he may not want you to speak to anybody else. He may attempt to persuade you that this is a personal issue between you and him that no one else should be aware of.
Regardless of your guilt or his fear, you must be willing to reach out. Inform a friend or a family member. Let them know if things aren’t going well at home and that you’re working to improve things. You don’t have to reveal anything about him that he doesn’t want you to know. However, you should seek help from a friend, family member, or therapist. You won’t be able to recover on your own.
4. Recognize and accept your co-dependence
The majority of us who are in a relationship with an IMS guy (and many of us who aren’t) are co-dependent. People who were in a relationship with a drug addict or alcoholic were the first to use the phrase. However, it goes far beyond than that. “Co-dependence is a sickness of lost selfhood,” says Charles Whitfield, author of Co-Dependence: Healing the Human Condition. When we hand up control of our lives and pleasure to our ego (false self) and other people, we become co-dependent. Co-dependents are concerned with others to the point that they forget about their True Self—who they truly are.” Does this ring true for you? If that’s the case, make a vow to reconnect with your real self.
5. Let go of the notion that you can cure your guy
Your guy has the potential to improve. Your relationship has the potential to improve. But you won’t be able to help him. You must realize that you have no ability to alter him in order for things to improve. You don’t have any control over his views, emotions, feelings, decisions, choices, or actions.
As you acknowledge your helplessness over his life, you will realize that you have complete control over your own. Your beliefs, thoughts, emotions, decisions, actions, and behavior are all within our complete control. You won’t feel your power right once, but with time, you’ll notice that you’re reclaiming your own identity. It’s a fantastic sensation.
You’ll also notice that when you make positive changes in your own life, his life will improve as well. You can’t cure him, but you can provide the circumstances for him to address the issues that are generating his irritation and rage. Many women are concerned that if she can’t cure him, their future is doomed. Many people also feel bad about concentrating their attention on themselves. But, as you’ll see, there are a variety of methods to include a guy in a healing process, and it all begins with your desire to cure yourself.
Fill up the blanks with your own ideas. Are you willing to put your own needs first? Are you prepared to put your personal safety and well-being on the line? How does it feel to be the first to rescue yourself?
Please follow me on Twitter @MenAliveNow if you want to keep up with what’s going on in the world of men
The anger and rage I feel is due to two things: the negative emotions I felt when I took my Prostate-Related Urologic Health exam and the hormone changes I have experienced since. The reason I feel so angry is because my husband is expressing anger in many ways. He has a tendency to overreact to things I do. For example, he gets angry with me when I forget to make him an omelet for breakfast.
He gets angry when I forget to pick up his dry cleaning. He gets angry when we are late because of traffic. He gets angry when he sees me tucking in my shirts. He gets angry when he sees me wear my coat all the way up to my shoulders. I get angry when he has. Read more about perimenopause irritability and let us know what you think.
Frequently Asked Questions
How do you deal with anger during menopause?
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Why are middle aged man angry?
Middle aged man is angry because he has a lot of responsibilities and cant enjoy life like he used to.