The Man’s Guide to Women is a blog that provides useful information about women and relationships. It’s basically a men’s version of “Females & Relationships” written by a woman, so it’s especially written for men.
How does one approach a woman, who can be so amazing and so insane at the same time, with such a variety of emotions, and yet, be so limited in experience? (And to be fair, the same can be said of men) Boys are often told that a man should be capable of talking to women, asking them questions, and being more talkative than a girl. This is simply not the case. Women are not your mother or father. They are not your best friend. They are not your co-worker. They are not your dog. Often times, they are not even a woman. Even some professionals do not know how to approach a woman in a proper manner, and this should be respected.
No matter how old you are, and how much you know about the opposite sex, there is always something new to learn. So, why not start learning from the best? The old adage “it is better to learn from the master than to learn from the students” is true when you are talking about the opposite sex. When it comes to women, it is always good to learn from the master, who are women.
I’ve been helping men better understand women for more than 40 years so they can have more sex and love with fewer conflicts and tensions. We teach what we want to learn, and I’ll confess that I’m still learning about the beautiful creatures we call women and how to have passionate, calm, and happy relationships with them.
I grew up knowing more about women than I knew about men, like many other guys with missing dads. I recall playing in the kitchen with my mother and a few of my neighbors as they discussed their worries about the males in their life. They were all disappointed to some extent. Some people were dissatisfied with the lack of intimacy in the relationship. Others expressed dissatisfaction with the men’s performance, claiming that they were not as successful as they had anticipated.
My father was one of those guys who wasn’t emotionally attached to his family and struggled to maintain a job. He was a writer as well as a performer. He and my mother relocated from New York to California in the hopes of breaking into the fledgling television business. However, he grew more irritated, restless, and furious as he struggled to find work. He’d grown more distant and sad as well.
I’m sure one of the reasons I went into therapy to assist men and the women who love them was to better understand what women desire and how men might be better spouses. I also wanted to discover what guys were looking for in a mate and how women might improve their relationships. Here are some of the things I’ve learned about what women desire over the years.
A lady seeks a guy she can rely on
This is the most essential quality in a guy that a woman seeks. It’s not simply a matter of asking yourself, “Can I trust him to be faithful?” But can I rely on him to “be truthful about who he is, show up on time, and accomplish what he says he would do?” Relationship specialists John Gottman, Ph.D., and Julie Schwartz Gottman, Ph.D., claim it’s not about good looks, six-pack abs, or a large financial account in their book The Man’s Guide to Women: Scientifically Proven Secrets from the Love Lab About What Women Really Want. “The most important quality that women want is trustworthiness.”
A lady seeks a guy who is secure in his presence
Men seek a secure harbor, a woman who trusts him enough to allow him inside her, to touch profoundly with body, mind, and soul, as I write in my article “The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex.” However, a woman must feel comfortable with her partner in order to do so. The foundation of safety is trustworthiness: knowing that the guy is there for her and will do what he says he will.
The majority of our wounds come from people we care about. Women need to know that their guy will shield them from their own wrath as well as that of others. When I understood that my loud voice and beady-eyed glances when I was angry were heightening her anxiety, my connection with Carlin improved dramatically.
A lady seeks a partner who is aware of her worries
I consider myself to be a fairly mild-mannered individual who, like most men, occasionally becomes enraged and explodes. I never struck my wife and never would, but I recognized that my Carlin was still afraid even after I learned to manage my rage. “How many of you have ever worried for your life or physical well-being?” I asked the guys in one of the lectures I delivered to a big crowd of men and women. A couple of the guys stood up and raised their hands.
When I asked the ladies the same question, almost all of them raised their hands. Their worries were not just a thing of the past, but also of the present. In our tiny town of Willits, I never have to fear about traveling alone after dark. My wife is constantly concerned. I’ve never had to worry about getting raped or attacked, but she’s constantly worried. Understanding and not dismissing a woman’s natural concerns is critical for males to do.
A lady seeks a guy who understands her requirements
To help males pay attention to these essential actions, the Gottmans propose the term A-T-T-U-N-E:
- When she wants to speak, pay attentively and give her your full attention. Yes, it means focusing only on her and not on the television or other distractions. She wants your undivided focus when she interacts with you.
- Turn Towards—Move your body in the direction of her. Women associate closeness with eye-to-eye contact and face-to-face conversation.
- Recognize—Pay attention to how she’s feeling. Refrain from attempting to “cure” the issue. We like repairing items and resolving issues. Refuse to succumb to that masculine enticement. Pose inquiries. Make an effort to comprehend how she feels and what she requires.
- Non-defensive listening—When a woman is angry about others, and much more so when she is upset with you, this ability is essential. When Carlin is irritated by anything I’ve done or failed to do, I get defensive and attempt to explain myself. The most essential and hardest skill we can acquire is non-defensive listening.
- Empathize—Emotions aren’t right or bad, even though we frequently dismiss our partner’s emotions that don’t make sense to us. Tune in to her fury if she’s enraged. Tune in to whatever she’s experiencing if she’s wounded or frightened. Empathizing with her emotions does not imply that you agree with her assessment of what is generating them.
A woman seeks a guy who is capable of emotional involvement
At play, the Gottmans watched 8-year-old boys and 8-year-old boys. The boys loved a game called “mobbed,” in which one kid held the ball and was pursued by 30 other boys until he had to surrender it. There was a lot of roughhousing going on, as well as a lot of laughing. When a child called Brian started crying, Gabe, the mob’s self-proclaimed leader, said, “Hey everyone stop!” “What’s the issue?” he inquired of Brian. Brian cried as he said that he was never given the opportunity to carry the ball. Gabe came up with a quick solution. “All right, let’s go, but Brian gets the ball this time.” They took off running, and the game resumed.
When one of the girls started to weep, the group of girls began to throw the ball from one to the other. “What’s the matter?” Lisa inquired. Kathy tells her, “You wounded my emotions.” This is the start of a long conversation on friendship, sentiments, and what best friends should do. All of the girls joined in, discussing how they first met, who they were close to, and even who they wanted to marry.
The game is the purpose of play for the boys, and emotions are a distraction that must be dealt with promptly so that the game may continue. The game is simply a backdrop for the ladies’ interactions. The primary event for them is talking and expressing feelings.
Although most men would never love emotional sharing as much as women do, a guy may strengthen his emotional muscles and connect more completely with the ladies in his life.