I don’t get why men get angry when women don’t respond to something they said. I have what I think is a pretty “normal” Rwith a woman I’ve been seeing for two years. I only get upset if she ignores what I say directly, but if she intends to ignore me then I’m fine with that. I feel like men and women have different social communication styles.
Women are emotional creatures with high expectations. If you’re in a relationship, this can seriously interfere with a happy marriage. After all, everyone knows that men and women are programmed to be different. But if you use this logic as your guide, you’d learn that women should never complain, and men should never get upset. This is what so many people believe.
Men get angry with women for a lot of silly reasons. But before you start throwing things, think about the following funny story. A man goes to the doctor’s office and the doctor says, “I don’t know what’s wrong with you but here are some things you can do to help:. Read more about when a man is angry with a woman and let us know what you think.
Anger has always been an issue in my life. It had a role in the termination of two of my marriages and was on the verge of ending a third. When my anger was brought to my attention, typically by my wife, I got defensive and yelled, “I’m not angry, God damn it!” I felt befuddled, out of control, and righteous on the inside. I’d tell myself in my head, “Well, who wouldn’t become upset when someone attacks you as she is?”
My wife was perplexed when I attempted to convey my emotions to her. Nothing she did felt like an assault to her, and I couldn’t put my finger on what it was about what she said that made her defensive. Clearly, my rage was not directed at “nothing,” but the source of my rage remained a mystery for a long time.
It took me years to figure out why my wife was terrified of me. I never struck her. So, I reasoned, she’s just being too sensitive. I was oblivious to my furious outbursts and the stares I was giving her. “You get that beady-eyed expression that chills my soul when you become furious, even when you’re trying to hold it in,” my wife said.
Carlin, my wife, and I have been together for 38 years. For both of us, this is our third marriage, and we’ve learned a lot about why we’re the way we are and how to cope with my rage. Margaret Atwood, the author, provides an incisive analysis of a male/female relationship that has taken us years to comprehend.
“Men are terrified that women would laugh at them,” adds Atwood. Women are terrified of being killed by men.” Do you ever read anything and think to yourself, “I know what she’s saying is correct,” but you can’t exactly articulate why?
These two assertions seem to be contradictory. They don’t seem to be equally weighted. How can the fear of being laughed at be compared to the dread of being killed? Nonetheless, Atwood implies that the dread of dying and the fear of being laughed at are similar.
Women’s fear of being murdered by a male is far simpler to comprehend than men’s dread of being laughed at by a woman. Men are larger, stronger, and more aggressive than women. We see instances of male aggression in the news every day. Mass shootings, men murdering their wives and girlfriends in jealous fury, rapes, and sexual harassment are all commonplace.
To understand why males are frightened of being laughed at by women, we must enter the world of men and attempt to view things from their perspective. Here are some of the key points I’ve learned throughout the years:
For men, being born of a woman has a distinct significance than for females
All girls soon discover that they are the same sex as their mothers, and a fundamental identity emerges: “I’m a female, like Mom, and I can grow up to be like her.” All guys are taught that they are the opposite sex, and they experience a fundamental disappointment when they discover they will never be like their mother.
Males are reliant on women, yet they are fearful and conflicted about it
sociologist David Gilmore explains the almost ubiquitous hatred of, disdain for, or entrenched bias towards women that is embedded into the male psyche in his book Misogyny: The Male Malady. He claims that it comes from unresolved conflicts between men’s great desire for and reliance on women, as well as their equally intense dread of that dependence, and that the fundamental cause of our rage is virtually entirely subconscious.
- Here are some of the subconscious demands that men choose to ignore since they are unpleasant to acknowledge:
- Unconscious desires to revert to childhood
- Suffering from a desire to suckle at the breast
- To go back to the womb
- The strong desire to give over one’s male individuality to the all-powerful mother of childhood imagination.
“All of these hidden impulses generate unconscious resistance, internal conflict, and, as a result, psychological upheaval in men,” says Gilmore. Men’s ambivalence about women produces an unpleasant and never-ending tension on every psychological level, leading to an attempt to alleviate the turmoil by assaulting the source of the trouble: women.
Men may be open about their anger or keep it hidden. Their rage may be either violent and explosive, or quiet and “gentle.” I pretended to be the good person most of the time, but my rage would surface in unexpected ways. An anniversary would be forgotten by me. I’d have an affair with my wife’s closest friend. I’d pay attention to her, but not completely. I’d forget to buy her something she’d asked for. Does this ring a bell?
Men have an unspoken connection with WOMAN
Sam Keen’s book, Fire in the Belly: On Being a Man, provides a viewpoint that I find particularly compelling. “It took a long time for it to sink in that WOMAN had such a profound impact on my life and the lives of all the guys I knew,” recalls Keen. “I am not talking about real women, but about WOMEN, those larger-than-life shadowy female characters that occupy our imaginations, influence our emotions, and indirectly give shape to many of our actions,” he continues.
“One of the main duties of manhood,” according to Keen, “is to examine the unconscious emotions that surround our different ideas of WOMAN, to dispel false mystification, to dissolve the hazy sense of danger and dread, and ultimately to come to appreciate and adore the strangeness of womankind.”
“It may be helpful to conceive of sexual-spiritual maturation—the path to manhood—as a process of transforming WOMAN into women, into Jane (or one particular woman), of learning to view members of the opposite sex not as archetypes or members of a class but as individuals,” he concludes.
“More than the woman in our bedrooms or boardrooms, it is the WOMAN in our minds who causes most of our problems,” Keen concludes. “And before we can learn to love women, these archetypal creatures—goddesses, bitches, angels, Madonnas, castrators, witches, Gypsy maidens, earth mothers—must be exorcised from our thoughts and hearts.”
The dread of being mocked and humiliated is the biggest worry of men
I recall being in a room with my mother and a group of people from the neighborhood. They were discussing their spouses while laughing hysterically at the men’s numerous flaws. I was six years old at the time. I don’t recall the specifics of their concerns, but the emotions of pity, disdain, and disrespect that they instilled in me almost seventy years ago are still fresh in my mind.
I was embarrassed of my father for failing to meet my mother’s standards, and as a six-year-old, I vowed that I would die before allowing a woman to speak negatively about me.
“I have yet to witness a significant act of violence that was not prompted by the experience of feeling embarrassed and humiliated, disrespected and ridiculed,” says James Gilligan, M.D., one of the world’s leading specialists on male violence and author of Violence: Our Deadly Epidemic and Its Cause. Men often internalize their guilt, becoming sad and suicidal, while women’s rage is frequently shame-based and linked to feeling overwhelmed by feminine strength.
As a consequence of the parent wound, most men have a hole in their spirit
My mid-life father got more enraged and sad when I was five years old because he couldn’t earn enough money to maintain his family. He took an overdose of sleeping pills and was sent to the state mental institution because he was unable to fulfill the responsibilities of being the family’s only earner.
If a boy does not have a physically and emotionally present father, he will cling more tightly to his mother, which will heighten his anxiety and wrath. This was true for myself, and many other guys I know, as well. I needed my mum much more now that my father was gone. I was furious at my father for leaving and at my mother for making me feel even more overwhelmed by her intensity.
Richard Rohr founded the international movement known as Men As Learners & Elders (M.A.L.E.s), which focuses on ritual and rites of passage to encourage men to greater spiritual consciousness. He says, “In the heart of every man is a hunger for his father. It’s one of those inevitable things. It happens in both boys and girls actually, but the essence of this hunger is vitally different. There is something about the connection between the child and the same-sex parent that, when unmet, creates a gaping hole in their souls.”
Men are enraged by women’s laughing because they make us feel vulnerable and embarrassed. Because so many of us have a hole in our hearts, even a little burst of laughter may seem like a tremendous assault. We must repair the father wound in order to fully love ourselves and the women in our life.
Return of the Puppet Man: Healing a Man’s Anger and His Father Wound is my latest book. Later this year, it will be accessible. Send me an email if you’d like a free copy of the first chapter. In the subject line, type “father wound.” Your feedback is welcome and appreciated here.
It might sound a bit too personal, but if you’re a man, you’ve likely experienced a lot of the same anger and frustration that I have. I want to explain why this is, and why it’s not okay for men to be angry about this. This isn’t for the men who don’t feel angry, because you might not understand; this is for the men who do understand, but who may not be doing anything about it.. Read more about signs a man has anger issues and let us know what you think.
Frequently Asked Questions
Why does a man get angry over small things?
Men are more likely to get angry over small things because they have a larger sense of entitlement.
What causes a man to rage?
Rage is a feeling of intense, uncontrollable anger. It can be caused by many things, such as frustration, jealousy, or even boredom.
Is anger a sign of love?
Anger is a sign of love when it comes from the right place.