Everyone wants a wonderful sex life, but few people know how to get one and even fewer people know how to keep it in a long-term relationship. Couples experiment with different postures and search for “sexy” clothing to wear. They are attempting to enhance their communication and relationship-building abilities.
However, in order to really enjoy your sex life, you must understand the intricacies of what it means to be male and female. Of course, what it means to be a man or a woman varies greatly, but recognizing our differences as well as our commonalities may go a long way toward assisting us in developing deeper passion and love.
Sex Secret #1: Take charge of our sex lives as soon as possible
I recall going to the shop with my mum to get my first pair of “boy shoes.” I’d outgrown my white baby sneakers and was looking forward to entering the world of men and ladies (though I had no conscious thoughts in my 4 year-old mind at the time).
The shoe shop was vibrant with color and options, but I gravitated for the red Keds. I had no idea that Keds were originally produced in 1916 by the United States Rubber Company (now Uniroyal) and that they were the first shoe with soft rubber bottoms that allowed the user to discreetly sneak up on people, thus the name “sneakers.” I knew Red Keds were the most beautiful shoes I’d ever seen.
The salesperson walked into the back to get the shoes after measuring my feet. I was surprised and saddened to find that they were blue rather than red when he opened the package. I could see why they had sold out of my size of Red Keds. But it didn’t make sense to me when the salesperson told my mother, “Of course, he’ll prefer the blue, being a young boy.” I didn’t wait for my mother’s answer before telling him, “I want the Red Keds.” My mother shrugged but encouraged me, and I walked out of the shop wearing my first pair of red Keds boy shoes.
Sex Secret #2: Recognize that every cell in our body has a male or female gender
David C. Page, M.D., is a world-renowned research biologist at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT) who specializes in Y chromosome research. According to Page, the human body has 10 trillion cells, each of which is sex specific. “In our DNA, men and women are not equal, and in the face of illness, men and women are not equal.”
Everything from arthritis to Alzheimer’s to heart disease has a sexual component. “Everywhere we look, the two sexes are shockingly and surprisingly different not just in their internal function but in the way they experience illness,” says Marianne J. Legato, M.D., Founder and Director, Foundation for Gender-Specific Medicine.
“On a molecular level, all your cells know whether they are XX or XY,” Dr. Page concludes.
Sex Secret #3: Accept that men are the more susceptible sex
Except for mature red blood cells, all human cells have a nucleus that contains the genetic material (DNA) organized into 46 chromosomes, each of which is divided into 23 pairs. Both members of 22 pairs are virtually similar, with one originating from the individual’s mother and the other from the individual’s father.
The 23rd pair is unusual. While females have two identical chromosomes termed “X,” men have one “X” and one “Y,” two completely different chromosomes. Sexe is determined by these chromosomal differences. The good news about the Y chromosome is this. We would all be girls if we didn’t have it.
The bad news is that the Y is extremely short in comparison to the X it is paired with. As a consequence, men are more likely than girls to have genetic disorders such as color blindness and muscular dystrophy. Males are more delicate and susceptible than females from the time they are conceived.
Male fetuses die at a higher rate than female fetuses. Male babies are the same way. Male babies have the same problem. Male teenagers feel the same way. Adult males do as well. Old guys are the same way.
Males may seem powerful by puffing up their chests to make themselves appear larger than they are, but the reality is that we are always attempting to compensate for our inherent weaknesses. Why do men feel so insecure? We live in bodies that are fundamentally less stable than female bodies. Knowing the truth may go a long way toward improving our understanding of men. And better sex comes from greater understanding.
Sex Secret #4 Know that sperm comes from men and eggs come from females
Males generate a high number of tiny gametes (sex cells) whereas females produce a lesser number of bigger gametes, whether they be ferns, fish, or humans.
The distinction between maleness and femaleness is ultimately determined by the kind of gamete—egg or sperm—an person produces, rather than penis or vagina, breast or beard, color or costume, red shoes or blue shoes.
Nature has figured out how to combine the tiny and big gametes to start the process of producing the next generation of ferns, fish, and humans. Because it is simpler to transfer tiny gametes to big gametes than the other way around, it is the sperm that perform the swimming to find the egg that awaits the victor.
When compared to sperm, how large are eggs? Even though the human egg is tiny, it can hold up to 250,000 sperm. An egg is 85,000 times heavier than a sperm.
What is the number of eggs to sperm ratio? In her lifetime, a woman ovulates approximately 400 eggs. To improve the odds of obtaining a big one, the male approach is to generate as many gametes as possible. Every day, a healthy man generates 500,000,000 sperm.
On a biological level, sperm compete with one another for access to the precious egg. Males also compete with one another for access to the most desirable and beautiful ladies. Females must then decide whether or not to accept or reject male suitors. Though roles are shifting, our wants and actions in the mating dance of life are still influenced by this biological fact.
Of course, we must remember that we are more than biological creatures, and that just because we have biological inclinations that are evolutionary in nature does not imply we are helpless in the face of our biology.
Because sweets, fats, and salty foods were precious and rare in our evolutionary history, we have an evolutionarily-driven biological inclination to consume as much of them as possible. Though we all have that tremendous urge, it doesn’t imply we’ll all become obese (though two-thirds of us will), but it does mean we’ll feel the tug of our nature all of the time.
Sex Secret #5 Accept that men are drawn to many partners and females prefer one partner at a time
In my counseling practice, one of the most often things I hear from women is, “How could he truly love me and be interested in another woman?” “I love my wife and want to be with her, but I am still attracted to wanting to be with other women,” guys will tell me, typically in private.
This disparity is seen in all sex studies. “It is known that the male is more prone than the female to want sexual intercourse with a range of partners among all peoples, wherever in the world,” renowned sex researcher Alfred Kinsey and his colleagues found.
Why? We may argue about the morality of this, but the fact is that male and female promiscuity have distinct biological implications.
Let me be clear about something. I’m not implying that these inclinations are shared by all men and women. I know some women who have had sex with many guys, and I know some men who are sexually monogamous. Also, just because a guy is attracted to having many relationships does not imply he is forced to do so.
Understanding our biological “pulls” may assist us in making informed decisions about how we wish to live. We frequently put ourselves and our relationships up for catastrophe by disregarding our biology and saying, “I would never become engaged with someone else.”
Keep in Mind the Coolidge Effect:
This proclivity in males is shown by a well-known anecdote. During the 1920s, President Calvin Coolidge and his wife visited a model farm. The farmer proudly showed Mrs. Coolidge a rooster that “could copulate with hens all day long, day after day” while the President was away. Mrs. Coolidge recommended to the farmer that he inform Mr. Coolidge about it, which he did.
“With the same hen?” the President wondered after a little pause.
The farmer responded, “No, sir.” “Tell Mrs. Coolidge,” replied the President, “with different hens.”
Again, just because a guy is attracted to having sex with many people doesn’t mean he has to act on his urge, and not all men have it. However, if you want to have amazing sex, you must understand our desire’s biological origins.
Sex Secret #6: Men tend to feel more intimate when they have sex. Women are more lustful for sex when they feel intimate
The classic refrain goes, “Not tonight, darling.” “I’m suffering from a headache.” “I’m tired,” for example. Is it possible to postpone till the weekend?” This theme is more often heard from women than from men. There are numerous exceptions to this “tendency,” as there are to all “tendencies.”
Women, physiologically speaking, have a lot more to lose when it comes to sex, therefore they are more selective about who they mate with and the conditions in which they have sex. Males, especially young men, are willing to have sex at any time, in any location, and with anybody who is available.
By researching homosexual individuals, we can understand the biochemical foundation of men’s desire for sex (before the AIDS epidemic). Lesbian women had much fewer sexual partners than homosexual males.
Most men would want more sex than they typically receive with their female partner, and with other partners, if the woman they sought wanted to have sex as much as they did.
The majority of women, on the other hand, want less sex but better quality sex. Most women interpret this to imply that they must have an emotional bond with a guy and be romanced before they are ready for sex. Making Sense of Sex writers David Barash and Judith Lipton state, “Sex is most frequently what the guy wants and the woman agrees to.” “Sex sometimes results in closeness among males; intimacy sometimes leads in sex among women,” says evolutionary scientist Donald Symons. It’s important to note that these are trends, not absolutes.
If we learn more about what it means to be male and female, we can all experience “red, hot sex.” We are not captives of our biology because we understand our evolutionary-driven biological inclinations.
I think the opposite is true. The more we know about male and female biological inclinations, the more empowered we are to make decisions that will bring us pleasure and satisfaction. Denying who we are as men and females leaves us more vulnerable to unconscious urges and desires undermining our happiness.
Talking about sex, men, and females elicits a wide range of emotions in most people. I’m interested in hearing your views and emotions on this “hot” subject.