Last week, MenAlive published an article in which we shared why very few men have conversations with their children about sex. We received a lot of feedback and we have decided to further explore why the father wound harms women. Below, we provide some observations on how the father wound harms women – men.
For the most of my life, I’ve been coping with the father wound. My mid-life father got more unhappy when I was five years old because he couldn’t earn enough money to support my mother and me. He was sent to Camarillo State Mental Hospital after taking an overdose of sleeping medications. Many of us do not have a loving, involved father in our lives as we grow up.
Some of us lose our dads due to sickness, while others lose their fathers due to divorce, death, separation, or dysfunction. The wound is covered up, we go on with our lives, and we are frequently ignorant of how the loss affects our physical, mental, and relational health as adults, as it is with most losses.
A number of major studies have shown the effect of Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACES) on adult health. The term “adverse childhood experiences” (ACEs) comes from the CDC-Kaiser Adverse Childhood Experiences Study, a groundbreaking public health study that found that childhood trauma leads to adult-onset chronic diseases (including heart disease), depression and other mental illnesses, violence, and being a victim of violence.
We are more prone to experience physical and emotional repercussions as adults if we had more ACEs as children. Bullying, the loss of a parent due to divorce, death, deportation, or dysfunction, physical or emotional abuse, parental neglect, or being separated from a parent due to sickness or injury are all examples of ACEs.
I was able to cure some of the chronic issues I had been having, like being furious, manic, and sad for much of my life, as I came to comprehend my own father’s wound. I’ve discovered that the father wound is often overlooked and affects both men and women.
“Kids have a hole in their spirit in the form of their father,” says Roland Warren, past president of the National Fatherhood Initiative. And if a father refuses or is unable to fill that void, it may leave a deep wound that is difficult to heal.” Adults who have a hole in their spirit grow up to have chaotic and dysfunctional lives. I discovered five ways the father wound affected women after reflecting on my own family experience.
1. The parent wound causes women to go on a never-ending quest for love.
When my mother was five years old, her father died. The father wound is created not just by the death of a father, but also by how we learn to see ourselves and the ripples that arise as a consequence of that loss. My mother, her younger sister, and grandmother were forced to move in with violent relatives since they didn’t have a male in the home.
My mother never spoke about her father’s death or how it affected her life, but she was always thinking about death and had six marriages and divorces. She never addressed her father’s wound, and no guy could ever replace the void left by her father in her spirit.
2. She views both men and women through a negative prism as a result of her father’s wound.
My first wife was the pride and joy of her father. Until dad died when she was nine years old, she had a very close connection with him. She was left with a devastated mother and an enraged and violent elder sister. She was lovely and beautiful throughout our years together, yet she could also be caustic and harsh.
I frequently had the impression that I couldn’t do anything properly, that she could never really see me and only saw me through a screen. She had issues with our daughter as well. I believe the animosity she felt as a child was transferred onto our daughter.
3. A woman with a parent wound may get angry towards males.
Certainly, we are all capable of being enraged. However, some women seem to be particularly enraged at the males in their life. Until she reached adolescence, my second wife had a strong connection with her father. He withdrew entirely from her as she developed into a sexual creature. She was confused, hurt, and furious as a child.
She could be passionate and loving one minute and then fly into a fury the next while we were together. She threatened to murder me on many times, and I later discovered that she had done it in previous relationships with men.
4. The parent wound may make a woman fearful of being abandoned.
Carlin, my current wife, and I have been married for 37 years. Carlin’s father was a vengeful and violent man, and her mother and he split when Carlin was a child. She was terrified that I would abandon her early in our marriage. She was always worried that something bad might happen to me, even after we had been married for a long time.
Fortunately, we were able to discuss and heal our own traumas such that the “shadows of the past” would not threaten our marriage. It wasn’t always straightforward. Traumatic memories become ingrained in our subconscious, and even when we are aware of them, we frequently avoid revisiting the unpleasant events of our past.
However, Carlin and I discovered that one of the major reasons we are attracted to the person we fall in love with is to repair our past. Healing past wounds brings us closer together and allows us to appreciate our relationships to their full potential. The most essential thing we can do to ensure a happy and fruitful life is to heal the father wound.
5. Women may fall in love with father-wounded males because of the father wound.
Carlin and I had both already been married twice before we met. We wanted our connection to be long-lasting, healthy, and passionate. Both of us realized we had father and mother wounds, as well as other scars to repair.
I think that many women who grew up with father wounds are unconsciously drawn to guys who have father wounds as well. If the pair doesn’t realize they’re together to recover, they may transfer their anger and grief toward a missing parent onto their partner.
Unresolved trauma may serve as an accelerant, causing even the greatest relationships to flare up at times. I think that healing the father’s wound would be more beneficial to the world than curing cancer.
I’m sure the father wound affects women in various ways. I eagerly await your feedback.
MenAlive is dedicated to the understanding, education and prevention of prostate problems. MenAlive co-founder and creator, Dr. Ronald Herring, a well-known medical expert, the author of several books and articles on this subject, has been instrumental in promoting prostate disease awareness, education and research.. Read more about father wound affirmations and let us know what you think.