The game of life is one of the big issues that make men lose their soul. They feel they are not successful, not capable, not self-sufficient and lack control over their own lives. They feel so powerless, helpless and defeated that they are prepared to accept anything and everything.
They are so sick and tired of the game that they are ready to give up and break down and give in to the pressures around them. They want to just stop playing, they want to be defeated and they want to give up.
You know how you can tell a great idea is hiding in the back of your head… but you’re not quite sure what it is yet? Turns out, sometimes the best ideas come to you when you’re not even trying to think about them.
“No one can save you but you”. Read more about being good at being a man and let us know what you think.
Today’s manhood is demonized and misunderstood. Some people think that maleness is intrinsically harmful and that it should be eradicated. John Stoltenberg writes in his book The End of Masculinity that manhood is “a farce, a trap, and those who would redeem it are fooling themselves,” since “manhood is a mask, incompatible with genuinely human selfhood.”
Others consider maleness to be unnecessary. The witticism “A woman needs a guy like a fish needs a bicycle” reflects this concept. Some people believe that maleness is inappropriate in today’s society. “The feminist revolution is here,” Hanna Rosen writes in her book The End of Men and the Rise of Women.
Men are on the decrease, while women are on the rise.” Finally, some people think that the only fundamental distinctions between males and females are those connected to our various reproductive organs.
I am of a different mind. Men, in my opinion, are excellent and have the potential to be great. Men are not superior to women, yet there are significant distinctions between them. Today, more than ever, decent men are required. It is time for men to band together in this time of danger, as my colleague Charles Eisenstein understands, to help bring about “the more beautiful world our hearts know is possible.”
Males are today’s canaries in the coal mine, warning us of the life-threatening dangers we confront in an unbalanced society. Hundreds of millions of guys are irritated and enraged. Many more are suicidal and sad. While some are sexually aggressive, the majority are sexually wounded and repressed.
In a society that is growing more unstable and unsustainable, most people are unsure what it means to be a decent man. We’ve lost touch with ourselves, each other, and the rest of the world’s life, and we’re on the verge of destroying our life support system.
I assumed My Distant Dad would be my final novel after I finished it. It was my 15th book, and it included a lot of my personal background as well as my work with males. Carlin, my wife, said me, “I believe you need to publish at least one more book.”
“You’ve dedicated your professional life to assisting guys, and we desperately need a book on ‘the gift of maleness.’ Men and women alike want to know what it was like to be a man before social expectations forced them to armor their bodies and emotions.”
Carlin’s challenge had piqued my interest, and I concluded she was correct. I’ve put up a list of fourteen guidelines that I believe will come in handy during these trying times. They are based on my own life experiences and fifty years of working with men individually, in groups, and in communities during the past seventy-five years.
Others, I’m sure, will come up with their own set of guiding principles, which is OK. As a starting point, use these guidelines. Feel free to add your own. Rearrange them to meet your requirements. Join up with other men and let your emotions, mind, and soul open up.
If you’d like to read the new book and make suggestions for what should be included, send me an email with the subject line “14 Rules.” When writing for the first time, be sure to reply to my spamarrest filter.
Rule #1: Accept Maleness as a Gift
If it weren’t for our dads, none of us would be alive today. Maleness is a gift to humanity, and it is past time for men to appreciate and respect it. “Every one of the 10 trillion cells in the human body is sex specific,” says David C. Page, M.D., a biology professor at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT). From the top to the bottom, we’re all men. Our brain structure, hormones, and each and every cell in our body all vary significantly. Let us rejoice at this reality.
Rule #2: Embrace Your One-Billion-Year-Old Past
The majority of guys are dissatisfied with their masculine ancestry. We grew up in homes where our dads were physically or emotionally absent. Our dads were estranged from their own roots, and we are all estranged from our male ancestors who date back a billion years. True, the first male cells developed on Earth a billion years ago, and men have continued to evolve since then. Knowing our past is important for understanding who we are.
Rule #3: Become a member of a men’s group and learn to recognize the sound that male cells make
I’ve been a member of a men’s club that has met for almost 40 years. Carlin, my wife, credits my participation in a men’s group for a significant portion of our 39-year marriage’s success. We find our place among other guys in a men’s group, discuss the difficulties we all experience as men, and feel a feeling of belonging. “Boys need to be in the company of older men in order to hear the music that male cells sing,” writes poet Robert Bly, who nails this truth.
Rule #4: Break Free From The Man Box and Get Physically, Mentally, and Spiritually Healthy
We are taught that there are some characteristics that males must be (such as being monetarily powerful, physically strong, calm, rational, assertive, and tough) and certain qualities that men must not be by society (such as being nurturing, tender, soft, passive, quiet, giving, apologetic.) Men must understand that society often exploits men by providing a limited vision of what it means to be a man in order to be really ourselves. It’s time for all of us to be free.
Rule #5: Recognize your feelings of rage and fear against women, and learn to revere and respect the sacred feminine
According to Sam Keen, author of Fire in the Belly, “a majority of men never break free, never define masculinity by weighing and evaluating their own experiences.” “And the one most important reason is that we never recognize WOMAN’s primordial power over us.” In his book Misogyny: The Male Malady, anthropologist David D. Gilmore examines how this reliance on the feminine produces a lot of hidden anger and anxiety.
Rule #6: Discover the Secrets of True Long-Term Love
The 5 Stages of Love are described in my book, The Enlightened Marriage:
- Stage 1: Finding the Right Partner and Loving Yourself
- Stage 2: Becoming a Couple and Starting a Family
- Stage 3: Overcoming Dissatisfaction, Distancing, and Disillusionment
- Stage 4: Developing Genuine, Long-Lasting Love
- Stage 5: As a Couple, Discover Your Calling
The most significant lesson we’ve learned is that “discontent, distance, and disillusionment” are not signs that we’ve chosen the wrong partner, but rather an invitation to dig deeper, heal more completely, and prepare for the true pleasures of Stages 4 and 5.
Rule #7: Participate in meaningful rites of passage from childhood to adulthood and adulthood to superadulthood
Rites of Passage have been established in traditional cultures all throughout the globe to mark the passage from boyhood to manhood and from manhood to elderhood. We have lost these essential traditions in contemporary culture. We grow up feeling that something is lacking in our lives if we don’t have them. These essential rites need to be renewed and revitalized.
Rule #8: Learn Why Males Duel and Females Duet and Celebrate Your True Warrior Spirit
Men have always been and will continue to be linked to the warrior spirit, which is distinct from war’s brutality and exploitation. We compete with other guys and show our personality via fun duels of masculine communication. In times of peril, men have always been called upon to defend and serve the tribe.
Rule #9: Recognize and Treat Your Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) and Male Attachment Disorders (MAD)
Most of us have had one or more ACEs (Adverse Childhood Experiences), which have been proven to have a long-term negative effect on our health and well-being if not treated and resolved. Male attachment problems are caused by these early traumas, which make it difficult for us to completely trust partnerships (MAD). They can be cured, which is excellent news.
Rule #10: Heal the Wounds of Your Mother and Father and Become the Father You Were Born to Be
Many of us were raised in homes where our moms and/or dads were physically or emotionally absent. By far the most frequent is the father-wound. According to psychologist James Hollis, a parent may be physically present yet spiritually absent. “His absence may be physical due to death, divorce, or dysfunction, but it is more frequently symbolic due to silence and the inability to transfer what he may not have acquired.”
Irritable Male Syndrome and Male-Type Depression should be treated, according to Rule #11
In my book, The Irritable Male Syndrome: Understanding and Managing the 4 Key Causes of Depression and Aggression, I discuss the significance of hormone imbalances, changes in brain chemistry, increased stress, and a lack of meaningful male roles in an out-of-balance society. Fortunately, there are currently treatments available to heal these wounds.
Rule #12: Learn about your ancestors and accept yourself as you are
Men may grow and say, “Hell, yes,” to the three questions we must all ask and answer by embracing our whole family history. 1. Have I lived a genuine life? 2. Did I love passionately and deeply? 3. Have I had a good impact on the world?
Rule #13: Discover your life’s purpose and contribute to humanity’s salvation
We must all discover our real calling in life, which is always relevant to the times we live in. Sam Keen, a psychologist and philosopher, reminds us that:
“The radical future vision is based on the idea that the logic that decides whether we survive or perish is simple:
- The healing of the Earth is the new human vocation.
- Only what we love can cure us.
- We can only adore what we are familiar with.
- We can only know what we come into contact with.”
There is a lot that needs to be done, and there isn’t a single answer. Each of us has a responsibility to address a different aspect of the issue. Great men are being challenged to discover their own unique purpose and go to work.
Rule #14: Accept the Challenges of Aging, Be Present When a Loved One Dies, and Plan for Your Own Death
We all dread death and infirmity, but one of life’s last lessons is to come to terms with death, and the only way to do so is to be there with loved ones as they make their final trip. Being able to be with my wife’s mother when she passed away was one of the finest blessings I’ve ever received. Completely embrace life, which also includes fully accepting death.
Please post your questions and comments in the section below.
If you’d like to learn more about these topics and contribute to the forthcoming book, send me an email with the subject line “14 Rules.” When writing for the first time, be sure to reply to my spamarrest filter.
As a man, you’ll know that the pursuit of success is the pursuit of manliness. When you see a successful person, they are almost always a man, and most of the time they are dressed in a suit. But they were not always successful, and they did not always dress in a suit. How did they achieve success? By being themselves. They did something that they loved to do, and did it in a way that they loved to do it. And then they went and did it again.. Read more about how to be a great man and let us know what you think.