Hello, my name is Chris, and I’m going to teach you how to fix your relationship without talking about it. Some men over-analyze their relationships, and they’ll spend hours reading blogs and books about them, trying to figure out why their relationships aren’t working. Meanwhile, their wives are throwing accusations around, and the kids are wondering why they don’t live together anymore. So, if you’re wondering how to fix your relationship without talking about it, this blog will show you how.
You’re not going to like hearing this but, according to a new Harris Poll, 63 percent of married couples use no words at all to talk to each other, and 90 percent of unmarried couples are the same way.
Dr. Jed, I’d want to express my heartfelt gratitude for everything you
My partner and I have been together for just over four years, and I’m starting to notice some very bad mood swings that are becoming more difficult to deal with. He gets irritated, furious, and sad as a result of his frustration. I can sense he’s becoming distant, and I’m concerned he’s considering leaving.
Whenever I attempt to get him to speak about his dissatisfaction or what I can do to help, he becomes enraged and pulls away even more. I adore him and know he loves me, but I’m worried that our relationship is deteriorating, and I’m not sure what to do. Could you please assist me? BL
Every day, I receive calls and emails like this. A guy is getting more irritable, enraged, and sad. The relationship is strained, and both parties are suffering. The lady wants to converse, but the guy gets enraged and withdraws.
“Honey, we need to talk,” is one of the five most repulsive words in the English language for males. The words may be said with love or rage, compassion or contempt, hope or despair. Regardless of how they are presented, most men appear to react with hostility bordering on fear.
One lady told me, “I feel like I’m trapped in a terrible trap.” “If I keep quiet and don’t say anything, our relationship will continue to deteriorate.“ He behaves as if I’m trying to murder him if I attempt to speak to him about how we can repair things. He refuses to speak to me, and our relationship is deteriorating. “How am I going to rescue us?”
Why is it that a woman’s urge to speak is greeted with such hostility? The simple explanation is that, although discussing their relationship may make a woman feel better, it can make a guy feel worse. While traveling into town from our house on Shimmins Ridge, my wife, Carlin, and I had a glimpse of this dynamic.
There were a lot of bends on the route into town, and it was raining a little. Carlin braced herself against the dashboard when I struck a couple of the divider bumps. I gave her a threatening glare. My beady-eyed gaze is what she refers to it as. And then I returned to the road. Within minutes, we were fighting about some little topic that none of us could remember.
We later discussed it and discovered that Carlin felt a shock of dread when I struck the partition bump. I knew she had no need to be frightened since I was a competent driver. When she braced herself, I mistook it for a criticism of my driving and ability to keep her safe. I felt a shock of embarrassment. To avoid feeling embarrassed, I became enraged, which in turn created more fear in Carlin, which in turn prompted more humiliation in me. All of this occurs in microseconds and is completely unnoticed by us. We recognized that this cycle of guilt and fear lies at the root of many of our quarrels.
After more than 40 years as a marital and family therapist, I’ve discovered that males unintentionally cause dread in women. Women, on the other hand, unwittingly cause males to feel ashamed. This is especially true when we believe our connection is under jeopardy. What Carlin and I discovered was that talking about our relationship issues made things worse, not better.
It took a long time for us to understand this. We’re both therapists who earn a livelihood by talking to others. We’ve urged couples to speak more, because talking is the most common form of communication. However, we’ve found that talking about a relationship isn’t the only method to repair it.
Pat Love and Steven Stosny discuss our experiences in their book, How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It. According to them, the actual reason a woman wants to speak about her relationship is because “disconnection makes her feel nervous, lonely, and frightened on a deeper level.” The truth is that the guy doesn’t want to speak about the relationship since her unhappiness makes him feel like a failure. He is embarrassed on a deeper level.”
“His guilt is too enormous to enable him to comprehend her terror, and her fear prevents her from understanding his shame,” they continue. When they attempt to cope with their vulnerability in different ways—by talking and not talking—all they end up sharing is disappointment and heartache.”
She wants to speak to get rid of her phobia. He doesn’t want to speak because he doesn’t want to be embarrassed. It’s no surprise that a large number of men and women are worried and sad. So, here are some options for breaking free from this stalemate.
Recognize that communication isn’t as essential as connection
We have a tendency to think that a successful connection requires effective communication. However, the most essential aspect of our partnership is connection. We want to be heard, understood, and cared for. One method we aim to connect is via communication.
Words are just a tiny portion of the equation when it comes to communicating
According to communication experts, nonverbal communication accounts for at least 90% of all communication. The creator of Silent Messages, Dr. Albert Mehrabian, performed many research on nonverbal communication. He discovered that words only transmit 7% of a message, whereas voice components account for 38%, and nonverbal elements account for 55%. (facial expressions, gestures, posture, etc).
Understanding male shame allows men and women to have more compassion for one another
Recognizing that we’re feeling a “jolt of shame” is one of the most essential communication skills guys may employ. Male shame is seldom recognized or spoken. For years, I felt shame but had no idea what it was. I used to be embarrassed that I was ashamed once I realized it. Recognizing that I felt ashamed was very liberating. Carlin was able to tell when something she was doing was making me feel ashamed.
Understanding female fear may assist men and women in establishing a safe haven for problem-solving
Women seem to be better at recognizing their “jolts of dread” than males are at recognizing their “jolts of humiliation.” It was difficult for me to understand how I was provoking Carlin’s fear when I was affected by shame. It was liberating to discover that I could accept and recognize her anxiety without condemning myself for it.
We feel more at ease communicating after our guilt and anxieties have subsided
We often think that guys “don’t want to talk” about tough topics. What we actually mean is that guys prefer not to converse. Males will frequently open up and speak when they feel comfortable and are not ridiculed or scolded, despite the fact that women are usually better at verbal communication than men.
There are many methods for men and women to strengthen their bonds and work through relationship issues without having to speak about them. Here are some of the ones Carlin and I use.
- We take turns caressing each other when we’re feeling detached. I prefer it when my head is stroked, and she likes it when her feet are massaged.
- Walking together and taking in the scenery may be therapeutic.
- It may be beneficial to eat a meal and spend the first half of it silently appreciating what you have.
- Without talking, writing about a relationship issue and how we feel frequently leads to fresh ideas and remedies.
- We pretend that we are tossing an issue over a fictitious cliff. It’s a fantastic practice that often enables us to swiftly and simply solve an issue.
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There is a lot of talk about how to deal with a bad relationship. You’re thinking it over, and you have a lot of feelings, when a friend/ex says something that makes you realize something. You talk to them, you may talk to your partner, but you still have the same issues/feelings. You and your friend/ex say you’ll work on them, but you really don’t know what to do. You know you have to talk about your feelings, but you’re not sure how to go about it.. Read more about how to improve your marriage without talking about it reddit and let us know what you think.
Frequently Asked Questions
Can a relationship survive without talking?
No, relationships cannot survive without talking.
How do you work on your marriage without talking about it?
I am not married.
How can I fix my relationship problems?
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