When you love someone, you see the best in them. You see the potential in their smile, the joy they can bring to your life, and the willingness to share with you their hopes, dreams and ambitions. You have the desire to put a positive spin on their shortcomings, and you don’t feel the need to make excuses for them.
The modern world is dictated by a few universal truths about relationships. First, men don’t change. Second, men are the aggressor in all relationships. And third, men are naturally jealous. But there’s one thing that can ruin these truths: when we can’t control our jealousy.. Read more about if a guy gets angry at you, does he have feelings for you? and let us know what you think.
One of the questions I hear over and over again is “Why is my husband so mean to me?” I’ve also written about this in an article “Why Are Men So Angry?” Of course, we all get angry at times and women’s anger can be as hurtful as men’s.
But there is a universal trigger for male anger that most people rarely recognize. I’ll illustrate with a quick story from my own life. When my first wife and I got married shortly after college we spent went on a honeymoon in Monterrey. We had bought a little Honda 50 motorcycle to get back and forth from married-student housing to the U.C. Berkeley campus and talked a Honda dealership into shipping it to Monterrey so we could ride it around town.
We took a bus to Monterrey and picked up our bike. We figured it would be easy to get an inexpensive motel room, but found out, to our surprise, that the Monterrey pop festival was happening that weekend and there wasn’t a room to be rented anywhere in town. Luckily, we found the last room available, but it was in Carmel, over the hill from Monterrey. We jumped on the bike, tied our suitcase to the back, put my new wife on behind me, but we were too back heavy to get over the hill. “Ok, here’s what we’ll do,” I said, in my most take-charge, masterful, voice. “You wait here. I’ll ride the suitcase to our room in Carmel and come back for you.
But don’t move. I’ll be right back.” My wife smiled sweetly, and off I went. I quickly returned, but she was gone. I looked left and right, but she was nowhere to be seen. Where the hell did she wander off to, I wondered. I got increasingly angry, but under the anger was a terror that something had happened to her. Maybe she had been kidnapped. Someone waving from three blocks away caught my eye. It was her. I rode the three blocks, barely controlling my rage. “Where the hell have you been?” I screamed at her. She looked bewildered. “I haven’t moved from the spot where you left me,” she said, her anger beginning to rise. I felt foolish and relieved but still insisted that she had walked off and wasn’t in the right place.
I finally cooled down and we were able to get tickets to the festival. We heard some of the best music of an era over the next three days and nights in 1967. Lou Rawls, Simon and Garfunkle, Country Joe and the Fish, the Birds, Jefferson Airplane, the Who, Jimmy Hendrix, the Mamas & the Papas, and a young woman who soon became a superstar, Janis Joplin.
Our marriage lasted 10 years and produced two beautiful children, but it was tainted by my rage and my unwillingness to comprehend or admit the truth about the underlying reason of my rage—my utter fear of being abandoned. Male Panic and Grief: What Causes It? I’ve spent a significant portion of my life being enraged at women.
It’s one of the main reasons why relationships move from excellent to terrible, in my opinion. In my book, I discuss some of the factors: Mr. Mean: Preventing the Irritable Male Syndrome in Your Relationship However, there is another element that has taken me years to comprehend and handle.
When my relationship with my wife is jeopardized, I feel abandoned and frightened. I want to sob in agony, but I mask my distress by becoming enraged. My anger would usually create more space between me and my wife, causing me to become even more frightened, which would lead to sorrow and the fear of losing her, leading to a sense of hopelessness and depression.
I really wanted to flee and hide. We must first understand the Panic System, which is present in all animals, in order to comprehend this process–abandonment, panic, agony, rage, sorrow, and despair. “A basic truth of life, with significant neurological repercussions and mental health implications, is that we grow attached to—we love—those who nurture and befriend us,” Jaak Panksepp and Lucy Biven write in their book The Archaeology of Mind: Neuroevolutionary Origins of Human Emotions.
The issue is that most of us did not grow up in a safe, stable, and tuned-in environment. My father abandoned me when I was five years old, and my mother was forced to work full-time. I was often left alone or placed in the hands of strangers. I grew up fearful of being abandoned, but I hid my concerns by adopting the attitude, “I can take care of myself.” I’m not in need of anybody. “I am a powerful individual.”
But I yearned for love, and when I got it, she became my lifeline, the one who would always love me and never abandon me. We’ve all seen the sorrow of children who are separated from their moms, dads, or other caretakers, even for a short time. “The screams of missing children have the clear ring of urgency and panic,” explain Panksepp and Biven, “unlike the demanding protest of a kid who has been refused a treat, or even the robust anguish of one who has fallen and been hurt.”
Adults never outgrow the need for affection and support, or the fear that arises when a loved one is threatened with separation. But what happens if we’re told that “boys don’t weep” or that “guys must be strong”? We keep our sorrow hidden, and it manifests as irritation. Many of us have taught that anger is the only appropriate emotion to express. “If we don’t speak about our trauma, we are doomed to repeat it,” says trauma expert Bessel van der Kolk, MD, author of The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma.
It’s taken me years to admit that I’m worried when my wife is late, or when we’ve had a disagreement and she withdraws, or even when another guy attracts her attention. Fearful, the small kid in me screams. He pleads, “Don’t leave me.” Please take my hand. I’m in love with you. I need to pay attention to my emotions of abandonment anxiety and keep my anger in check. I felt so unmanly at first that I couldn’t speak about it because I was embarrassed to express how scared I was.
“Cry baby, cry baby,” echoed insults from my youth and adolescence in my thoughts. I was worried that my emotions might lead my wife to lose interest in me and abandon me. However, I’ve discovered that being honest, even being honest about my dread and terror, drew us closer together. When we’re frightened, being vulnerable is the most hardest thing we can do, but it’s also the most necessary if we desire true connection. My wife and I, on the other hand, had to let go of our preconceived notions about males and realize that we all fear when we suspect our spouse isn’t emotionally invested in us.
We had to get over our apprehension about discussing our previous trauma and the things that still trigger us now. I eagerly await your feedback. Please tell us about your own personal experiences. Check out our community of men and women who are learning how to heal our wounds and transform our rage into true, lasting love.
Men can get angry at their significant others for many different reasons. Sometimes it’s about the way they look, sometimes that they dress, and sometimes it’s because they’re simply too difficult to deal with. But in the end, none of these things have anything to do with the man’s feelings for his partner.. Read more about if a guy gets mad at you does that mean he cares and let us know what you think.
Frequently Asked Questions
Why do men get angry at their partners?
Men get angry at their partners when they feel like their partner is not listening to them and not respecting them.
Why would a guy get mad at you for no reason?
It is not always the case that a guy gets mad at you for no reason. Sometimes, it can be because he didnt like how you looked or something else.
What to do when a man is angry at you?
It is best to remain calm and not react in any way.
